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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Thursday, November 13, 2014

An Afternoon in Paris - Then and Now

I am engulfed in wonderful memories today. On this day one year ago my husband, Adam, and I were on our honeymoon in Paris. We spent three wine-soaked, wonder-filled days bumming around the city with our good friend, Wally, after having spent the previous three weeks exploring rural France, Sicily and Marrakech. It was epic.

On this particular day - November 13, 2013 - we spent the afternoon tracking down the location of a photo that Adam's parents had taken on their honeymoon in Paris in 1949, in the hopes of recreating the photo ourselves. Adam wrote a beautiful story of our little adventure, which is posted below with the pictures - then and now.

On a side note we have recently learned that the Frank mentioned in the story below, Frank Mankiewicz, has recently passed, which makes this memory all the more bittersweet today. Frank was Adam's father's best friend, and later became the Press Secretary for Bobby Kennedy's presidential campaign. Adam's parents were at the Ambassador Hotel with Frank on the night Kennedy was assassinated, which is another story for another time, but certainly makes all of the below even more poignant for us. We certainly wish to express our deepest condolences to Frank's family. He will always be remembered quite fondly by us.

I do hope you enjoy.

An Afternoon in Paris - Then and Now
by Adam Hall

Paris, 1949. Four years after the end of the world's most destructive war, which had destroyed large swaths of Europe, my parents chose to celebrate their nuptials by honeymooning there. Most of the details are lost, and perhaps not particularly interesting. But central to this story is the sole surviving photo from their trip. It shows them on a motorcycle, in front of a cafe, on a street corner in Paris. I came into possession of the picture following my father's passing in 2011. Framed simply, it hangs in the central hallway of my house, above the usual line of sight.  For the last two years I have occasionally glanced at it, trying to conjure images of what their trip must have been like. They seldom mentioned it, not out of any reluctance, as they obviously enjoyed the adventure, more from a perception that no one would be interested in the telling.

Los Angeles, 2013. I have recently married Amy, a wonderful woman who enjoys travel, and specifically travel with me. A fortuitous combination of factors led us to plan a honeymoon trip to Paris, from which seed a general plan of travel emerged. As I began the planning, the image of that picture of my parents on the street in Paris took more precedence in my mind and I began to view it as a quest for our trip. My most traveled friend always advised that one should have a quest on any trip, something which guides and provides directions in the absence of any other motivation. Even a honeymoon can benefit from some focus, so I imagined tracking down the location where the photo was taken and recreating it with my wife. We would be visiting our good friend, Wally, while in Paris, and he thought the challenge to be an admirable one.

As you can see in the picture, there isn’t a lot to identify the location. The Rue de L'Université is a rather long street in a city where streets tend to change names at every brasserie. Thanks to the advent of Google Street view it is now possible to take a virtual drive along a street, and so I had hopes of being able to spot the corner from the comfort of home prior to visiting Paris.  Unfortunately, that did not pan out. Or more precisely, I could not pan in close enough to match any of the details. Of course, it has been over 60 years since then and not surprisingly the buildings have undergone renovations, redecorating, change of tenants and use, and even entire buildings torn down and rebuilt (although, this being Paris, that is a rare event).

It was looking like the only way of identifying the building would be to walk up and down the street hoping to find someone old enough to remember how the street appeared all those years ago. How far back would that be? Did the cafe survive 10 or 20 years before succumbing to progress? There are many cafes still in business from that time, for example the ones Hemingway wrote about in The Moveable Feast. Would I get lucky and find that this was such a stalwart? At least then the cafe might have old pictures of its history, or an owner with ties to that time period.

There was one remaining link to their trip - their best friend Frank, who I recall them saying was with them at the start in Paris, and who, at 90 years of age, is still going strong and has vivid recollections of their times together (as evidenced by a set of recollections and stories he sent me on the occasion of my father's recent passing). Whether those recollections are reliable is debatable. Frank’s family was as literate as the Kennedy’s were orate. He also had the demeanor of a top poker player, of which there was already a representative amongst the family. The combination led to some memorable family word games (trust me, it was more interesting than it sounds.) The point being, no matter how firmly and believably Frank might respond to my questions, I had to take his answers with a grain of salt.

Paris, 2013. Upon landing in Paris, I called Frank and asked if he remembered the photo. After some confusion about who was in the picture he quickly described how they had decamped to the Hotel de L'Université, using it as a base for trips around Europe that continued through the end of the year. He recollected the address as being number 5 or 6, and the intersection was Rue des Saints Pères. The cafe, he thought, was the hotel cafe and called the Bonaparte. This was all promising information, and informed by that intelligence I set off with Amy to see what we could find. We made arrangements to meet up with Wally in that general area later in the afternoon.

Amy and I arrived at the Rue de L'Université by Metro and began walking towards the location we had identified. Eventually we came to the 10s and found ourselves in front of the Hotel de L'Université. My spirits lifted as a major piece fit the puzzle. But there was no cafe fronting the hotel, nor did it look like there had ever been a place for one. More importantly, it was not on a corner, so unless a street had been closed off Frank's data was a bit off. And in Paris, changing a street like that would be unheard of.

We continued on down the rue, looking for the next corner. The hotel ended and we started to pass other buildings. This meant that the cafe couldn't be in the hotel. Further down the street, number 6 was just a store in the middle of the block. But then, coming to the intersection with Rue des Saints Pères, I found two cafes on opposite corners on the north side of the street, matching the shadows on the picture showing that the café was south-facing. On the near side was the Galette Café. On the opposite side across Rue des Saints Pères was the Comptoir des Saints Pères bar brasserie. To confuse things, a sign on the outside of the Comptoir touted their "cafe a la tasse" and "chocolat chaud", similar to what was on the window in the original picture. But everything was different from the photo. Then, looking above the Galette Cafe, I spotted the window and filigreed iron railing on the second floor, and a smile lit across my face as I realized that I had found the same building. Amy and I excitedly looked back and forth between the photo and the building, and confirmed that it had the right features.

We crossed the street to the cafe, but it was closed until lunch time. With an hour to wait before it opened, and also for Wally to arrive, we adjourned to the bar on the other corner to do what Parisians love to do anyway - enjoy an espresso and watch the world go by. I showed the picture to one of the older waiters. He said that had indeed been the cafe across the street many years ago. I had my confirmation!  After a bit Wally arrived. We shared our success with him, and all sat down to await the opening of Galette.

Shortly after noon, the blinds went up and Galette Café was open for business. We walked over, sat down, and showed the waitress our picture. She and her husband were the owners (he was from Brittany, hence the specialty of galettes – buckwheat flour crêpes - in the name and on the menu) and we all traded mutual travel stories for a few minutes, including me telling about my parents’ trip 64 years ago. They had opened the restaurant about a year ago, and the previous place had been there for 30 years, which still did not go back to the original from the picture. But we knew we had the right place. We then sat down to a delicious lunch of galettes, and planned our next steps.

Paris has a system of bicycle rentals on streets throughout the city, and we decided to rent one of them to recreate the picture ourselves. Put our own spin on it, as it were. We found a nearby bank of bikes and took one back to the cafe, which by this time was half-bathed in bright sunlight coming down the street. We needed to wait for about 30 minutes until the sun passed behind the street's buildings, so we settled into the Comptoir bar across the street again for another libation. It was a very European thing to do anyway.


Presently, the sun went behind a building and we were clear to take the re-creation photo. We took our places with Wally assuming Frank’s role across the street as photographer. I tried imagining what those three experienced on that day more than 60 years ago.  Of course theirs was a spur-of-the-moment photo. Between getting the pose right, lighting, and constant foot and vehicle traffic, it took us about 20 minutes to get the shot. I felt very uncomfortable with people staring at me so I guess I could never have a career as a model/actor. Amy and Wally (both actors) on the other hand, enjoyed the hell out of it.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Respect Vs. Compassion

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about the concepts of Respect and Compassion. Specifically, I have been thinking about them in terms of how they relate to the challenging relationships I have in my life, relationships that are nearly impossible to walk away from. Since these relationships are here to stay, I must find a way to come to terms with them.

Learning how to deal with contentious, long-term relationships has given me many opportunities for personal growth over the last few years. I say that a little tongue in cheek, of course, but I have truly looked for ways to let these contentious relationships make me a better person. After all, it is not how you deal with the good things in your life that determines your character, it is how you deal with the negative things that inevitably show up from time to time. It's easy to behave with grace when life is going well, not so much when shit continually hits the fan. So how do I learn from these experiences, these painful relationships, and grow from them?

This is where the idea of respect and compassion comes in. The lesson I have learned over and over during that past few years is that compassion is king. I want to approach the world with compassion. I want to find compassion in my heart for those who speak ill of me or do things to harm me or those I love. It is not easy to find this compassion, but if I can distance myself from the relationship a bit, if I can disengage as much as possible, and step back a bit from the hurt, I can more easily find compassion and extend compassion. Compassion not only helps to mitigate disharmony, but really it just makes me feel better. The bottom line is compassion is good for my heart, so practicing compassion is kind of a no-brainer.

But what about respect? Are compassion and respect the same things? I sometimes see them used interchangeably, but I wonder if that is true. Perhaps it is just a question of semantics. But respect seems to me something that has to be earned, whereas compassion is something I can extend to anyone regardless of their perceived worthiness. I can have compassion for someone who speaks harshly about me online, but I don't necessarily need to respect them.

What are your thoughts about respect and compassion? Are they the same thing? Two sides of the same coin? Or is one earned, while the other is freely given?

Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Simple List of Things I Love

Today's task in The Artist's Way was to make a simple list of things I love, and to post it somewhere where I can see it. If possible, I'm also supposed to get myself something off this list to enjoy. I've posted here before about my essentials for happiness and things I want, but making this list felt a little different. These are the simple things that bring me joy. They aren't necessarily essential to my well-being, but they make life richer and more meaningful.

THINGS I LOVE

  1.  CATS!
  2.  Slow meals with good friends and family
  3. Candlelight
  4. Bright colors and patterns, especially exotic ones
  5. Wonderful smells like lavender, lilac, rosemary and onions cooking on the stove
  6. Things that are soft and fluffy and silky to the touch
  7. Bright fall days
  8. Being surrounded by plants and flowers
  9. Rain and thunderstorms
  10. The sound of meditation bells
  11. Lemon flavored desserts
  12. Receiving cards and letters in the mail
  13. Giving gifts
  14. Traveling to new places
  15. Indian food
  16. The first glass of wine at the end of a long day
  17. Hugs from my parents
  18. Bringing a smile to someone’s face
  19. Halloween
  20. Feeling like part of a family
  21. Listening to music while driving, and singing along
  22. Street fairs and farmer’s markets
  23. Claw machines, and the feeling I get when I win
  24. Sunrises, and the quiet early morning hours
  25. Being in nature, and seeing animals in their natural habitats
  26. The first cup of coffee in the morning
  27. The anticipation of travel, of fun upcoming events, and of seeing people I haven’t seen in a long time
  28. Dramatic sunsets
  29. Clean sheets
  30. Pretty little flowers in a vase

What do you love? I challenge you to make a simple list. It feels good, and it's a great reminder to add these little things to your life whenever possible. You deserve it.

My cats, Murray and Venus, enjoying a fresh breeze.  I love them!


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Dear Dad: On the Occasion of Your 70th Birthday, I Want to Say Thank You...

Dear Dad:

On the occasion of your 70th birthday, I want to say thank you...



...for working hard in the steel mill for all those years so that you could support your family and send me to college.

...for taking me to Disney World for my 5th birthday!

...for being an excellent dance partner.

...for coming to my rescue when I was scared during a thunderstorm, even though it meant breaking your foot.

...for making sure there was always some time to have fun together.

...for your service to our country when you were a young man.

...for giving me an appreciation of country life.

...for loving my mother, and showing me through your example what love is.


...for always being the person I can call when I have car problems.

...for coaching me and going with me to the dealership to buy my first car, which I drove out to Los Angeles.

...for having a bit of a mischievous side.


...for having an excellent sense of humor, and showing me how not to take myself too seriously.


...for being the kind of guy who can rock a pair of suspenders.

...for showing me through your actions how important it is to help other people and to be of service.


...for traveling to the far sides of the country to visit me.


...for taking me to and picking me up from the airport, endlessly.

...for giving me so many birthdays to share with you!


With Much Love,
Your Daughter,
Amy

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Welcome Back, Monica: An Open Letter to Monica Lewinsky

Dear Monica-

I hadn't realized you had disappeared somewhat from the public eye until yesterday (I guess that's how "disappearing from the public eye" works). I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and came upon a video a friend had shared from Upworthy - "Monica Lewinsky Gives Her First Public Speech in 16 Years And Says Exactly What Needs To Be Said". Based on my friend's comment, which amounted to, "Hey, we've all made crappy decisions, let's have some compassion", I decided to have a look.

Compassion has been a theme in my life lately. The past couple of years have thrown some pretty awful things my way, including being publicly maligned on social media - though on a much smaller scale than what you've had to deal with - and I've discovered that the only way to really cope is to actively practice compassion. It is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges to embrace, but one that also reaps the highest rewards.

In watching the video of your speech at the Forbes Under 30 Summit, I noticed that I could not stop smiling. It seems like a strange reaction, but I was delighted by your honesty, your willingness to accept responsibility for the poor choices of your youth, and your commitment to giving purpose to your past.

Hell, I've made poor choices. I made ALOT of poor choices in my early twenties. Thankfully, through life experience, I'm making far fewer poor choices now that I'm heading into my forties. I've suffered the consequences from those bad choices, learned something, and have been able to grow and put them behind me. Due to the global publicity of your choices, you have not been so lucky. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to have to revisit choices I made 16 years ago every day.

I remember in the late 90s and early 2000s joining in on the "let's bash Monica Lewinsky" bandwagon. I didn't think of you as a real person then, you were simply a character in a political theater piece that seemed to have very little to do with my reality. Frankly, I'm embarrassed by that now. You are a person - a smart, strong, capable, ambitious, generous and warm-heated person at that. I'm sorry that I ever let you become something other than that in my mind. You are a person that deserves to have a happy and productive life. Compassion is teaching me that we all do, and that I need to take more care in how I perceive people in the media. No story is black and white, and it is important to remember that there is always a real person, with real feelings, behind every story - a person whose truth may be drastically different from the story that is being spun by the media.

There are always going to be trolls and cyber-bullies. I read some nasty things in reaction to your recent Vanity Fair article as well as your Forbes speech. None of us will ever be free of those who lack compassion, who refuse to give anyone a second chance, who refuse to take the high road, who are incapable of having empathy for someone's imperfect humanity. But I hope that you will weather the naysayers so that you may find your purpose.

Our world needs more women who can rise out of shame, more women who are educated, well-spoken, and compassionate, who can provide a voice for those who do not have the strength to speak for themselves, who lack the courage to face humiliation with their heads held high.

I'd like to live in a world where Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton can co-exist. I don't think having respect and compassion for one should negate that for the other. I believe I can hold each in high esteem without being contradictory. I hope more and more people come to that conclusion as well. It would be a damn shame for the world to lose out on the gifts you have to give. The time is right for your new beginning, and I am excited to think about the ways in which you will have a positive impact on our world.

Welcome back, Monica. I, for one, am really glad you are here.

Sincerely,
Amy Clites


Monday, October 20, 2014

Morning Pages Insight - What I Want

Part of the creative recovery process laid out in The Artist's Way are the morning pages. These are perhaps the most important tool of the entire journey and must be completed every day. First thing in the morning, you are to write three pages of free association. No editing, no censoring, just get it all on the page, even if it is nonsensical garbage.

I've come to the point in the process where we're asked to go back and read these morning pages, looking for insights and calls to action. It's a rather astonishing exercise. First of all, I'm awed by the sheer number of words and pages. If I dedicated myself to writing three pages every day, I'd have a book in two months. Wow. Secondly, while there is quite of bit of blathering on about mundane daily life, there are some genuine themes emerging, and bits of writing that I've done that are resonating with me.

Early in the process I made a stream-of-consciousness list of what I really want in life. Some of it is just basic, like wanting good health. Some of it is my dreams, like starring in a movie. But all of it is illuminating. I feel a little naked exposing this to you all, but I feel like naming what I want and putting it out there into the Universe is the first step in calling it to me. I am working hard to visualize abundance for myself and my family and friends, and to honor the notion that the Universe is conspiring to give me everything that I want. And that's not a selfish notion - I believe that is true for everyone. You have the capacity to have everything that you want.

So, here it is. Here is what I want.

What I Want

  1. I want financial security.
  2. I want a strong and healthy family.
  3. I want a strong and healthy body.
  4. I want a rewarding, intimate relationship.
  5. I want a clear, healthy, and creative mind.
  6. I want to be respected in my field.
  7. I want to be a successful writer.
  8. I want to make my living from writing and acting.
  9. I want to be creative every day.
  10. I want to play in the sun and grow a big garden.
  11. I want to live somewhere that is beautiful.
  12. I want to marvel at nature on a daily basis.
  13. I want to travel and see more of the world before I am dead.
  14. I want to nurture the important friendships in my life.
  15. I want to see my parents and my family more.
  16. I want to have a peaceful relationship with my husband's family.
  17. I want my friends to have the things that they want.
  18. I want to be happy.
  19. I want my friends and family to be happy.
  20. I want to spend as little time working as possible, and as much time playing and exploring my hobbies and helping people feel inspired by the world around them.
  21. I want to be a force and a voice of good.
  22. I want to be a good person.
  23. I want to be involved in my community.
  24. I want to be a good role model to young and old alike.
  25. I want to grow old gracefully.
  26. I want to embrace my flaws.
  27. I want to feel confident and strong.
  28. I want to banish anxiety from my life.
  29. I want to live peacefully, surrounded by nature and my cats.
  30. I want to write some books and go on a few book tours.
  31. I want some of my books to be turned into movies, movies in which my friends and I can star.
  32. I want to explore the world and explore my inner world.
  33. I want to meditate more and talk less.
  34. I want to be a beacon of light to others in the world who feel lost.
So there you have it. That is what I want, at least on that particular day in September of 2014. I feel it is so important to name these things, so that I can make a move towards attaining them.

What do you want? Have you sat down and written it out? I challenge you to take a little time to be abundantly clear, down to the smallest details and the biggest concepts, of what you want out of this life. And then tell me all about how you are achieving these things. We can do it - together!


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Deciding To Go Out: One Introvert's Thought Process for Accepting a Social Invitation



As a self-diagnosed introvert, talking myself into attending some kind of event/party/meeting/seminar/class/friend date/anything that requires leaving the house results in a pretty intensive, although totally predictable, thought process.

Friends may wonder why I'm generally not very spontaneous. It's because I have to allow time for this process to talk myself into going to whatever it is I'm invited to. It goes a little something like this:

  1. Receive invitation. Read it and pretend not to have seen it for at least two hours. (I say read, because all my good friends know that I don't do phone calls. Text messages and emails are my preferred modes of communication.)
  2. Two hours later, read it again.
  3. Look at the date/time this event is to take place, and hope there is already something on the calendar.
  4. Realize there is nothing on the calendar and that I have no reasonable excuse to not go.
  5. Think up alternate reasons why I may not be able to go. Don't I have some kind of deadline looming or something? Doesn't someone need to be driven somewhere? Is my favorite TV show on at that time?
  6. Realize I have no good alternate reasons not to go.
  7. Decide to do nothing about the invitation for the moment, until I can think about it some more.
  8. Next day, revisit the invitation. Imagine what it might be like to go, if I decided to go.
  9. Think about who I might see, what I might wear, how long the event could go, how much energy may need to be expended.
  10. Fight the urge to just not accept the invitation for no reason. 
  11. Ignore invitation again for a little while until I can think about it some more.
  12. Look at the invitation again, and think about saying yes.
  13. Do nothing.
  14. A bit later, practice saying "yes" by telling my husband that I think I might go to this thing.
  15. Feel disappointed that he can't come up with a reason for me not to go.
  16. Do nothing.
  17. Eventually, come to terms with the fact that I am accepting the invitation.
  18. Finally, after exhausting all options, accept the invitation with enthusiasm.
I realize I am outing myself to all my friends by admitting to this thought process. Please don't hate me or stop inviting me to things! I think what is important to understand is that I don't go through this because I don't want to go to something. I actually do generally enjoy myself once I've gotten out of the house. But I know how much social energy it takes for me to enjoy events, and I know that I have a limited supply. Too many things happening back to back exhaust and deplete me, and I worry I won't have time to re-charge when I need to. This is simply a tool of self-protection. I agree that it's kind of ridiculous and needlessly confounding, but it is how I am. My inner introvert insists on it.

Anyone else out there relate to this? Do you have a crazy personal process you go through when confronted with social opportunities? Does it make you feel guilty?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

On Solitude or Being My Own Best Friend

I've really liked myself for quite awhile now.

Wow, that sounds arrogant, doesn't it?

Let me rephrase that in a more palatable way. I've learned how to enjoy my own company and to not get anxious about being alone. In fact, those times when I am by myself are some of my most enjoyable and satisfying.

It wasn't always like this. I remember being a teenager and worrying about whether my close friends were hanging out without me. That was such a terrible, lonely feeling, knowing they were at the mall without me. Probably having lots of fun and buying some new, cute thing to wear. Or maybe going to the movies and seeing that one film that I really wanted to see - but they didn't think to invite me. God, that was an awful feeling.

I was an awkward adolescent (who wasn't?), and certainly wasn't a good friend to myself. But sometime around my mid-20s - it took me that long to grow out of my awkward phase - I discovered I enjoyed hanging out alone. I found that sometimes when friends would call to invite me out for drinks or a show, I would actually decline, just so I could continue doing whatever it was I was doing by myself. It could have been organizing my CD collection or rearranging the living room furniture, it didn't matter. I was having a good time and I didn't want to stop.

Now that I'm almost 40, I've found that time alone is absolutely essential to my well-being. I don't know if I've been an introvert all these years and didn't realize it, but after time spent out with friends I need a couple days by myself to recharge. I love being with my friends, of course - they're my friends for a reason. But I have a threshold for social activity that I reach pretty quickly, and only time away from all the interaction can recharge my batteries.

I see things differently when I'm alone. When I'm quiet, my mind has time to wander, uninterrupted, revealing new thoughts and ideas. I hear sounds I might otherwise miss - that sweet little bird in the tree, singing his little heart out, unaware that anyone is paying attention. Or the sound of my cat, Murray, laying ten feet away and happily purring in his sleep. When I'm alone, I have permission to linger, I don't have to explain what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I can just be with the experience.

I've been actively working on being a good friend to myself for a few years. I smile at my reflection in the mirror. I sing songs when I'm alone, just because it feels good. I celebrate my accomplishments and don't let myself wallow too much in my defeats. I'm better at saying no when my schedule is getting too full, even if that no is met with disappointment from others. I give myself permission to indulge in the activities I enjoy - browsing garage sales for nothing in particular, creating a miniature gnome garden under the tree in the front yard, making a complicated dinner just for fun.

Discovering the pleasure of solitude has been a gift to me. Having alone time is part of my personal equation for happiness. And as I'm getting older, I'm getting more adamant about making time for me, just me.

Do you enjoy being alone? When was the last time you took yourself out, alone, just for the fun of it? Or turned down an invitation so you could have some time to yourself? Did you feel guilty, or is it important to your well-being?


Friday, September 26, 2014

My Life Essentials for Happiness: Then and Now



I recently allowed myself a little trip down Memory Lane, vis-a-vis some writing I did about ten years ago.

Good God, was that ever eye-opening.

Writing has not, until the last two years, been a regular thing in my life. I have wanted to write, but hated the act of sitting down to write. It has only been through discipline - and a regular writing gig - that I have finally made peace with the more frustrating parts of writing and have made it a part of my routine. It is becoming habit. And I'm glad of this, because I look forward to reading what I'm writing now in the coming years. It's an excellent way to see how things have changed, and how they've stayed the same. It's the road map of your life, showing you where you've been so you have a better idea of where you are and where you may be going.

There is nothing more telling than reading what you have written, especially of moments long forgotten. Reliving the experience of being a recently divorced, single-and-not-loving-it, twenty-something, struggling artist in NYC was both unpleasant and enlightening. It was unpleasant to live most of that stuff. It's unpleasant to be reminded of it. But thank God I've gotten to the point where it is enlightening.

I made a list on May 6th, 2004, of the ten things I needed in my life to be happy. I was four months into a six month national theater tour, living out of a suitcase and spending every night in a different city, usually in a crappy motel room shared with three other people. I became used to a life of depravation, and to my surprise discovered that I was happier than I had been in a long time. In my attempt to define what, exactly, was making me so happy, I came up with this list:

Ten Essentials for Life Happiness

  1. My own bed (I had been sharing a bed with another actor - totally platonic - for four months and missed having the bed all to myself.)
  2. A good book, a real page turner
  3. Some great tunes for singing along
  4. Delicious food and drink at least once a week (Mexican food and Chai Lattes)
  5. Clean clothes
  6. Companionship/good conversation
  7. A little time alone every day
  8. Nasal spray and aspirin
  9. An opportunity to be creative
  10. A hot shower
What surprised me most when reading this, ten years later, is that very little has changed. With perhaps the exception of #1 (now that I happily share a bed with Hubs), those all pretty much hit the nail on the head, even now. My creative soul has stayed true to itself, all these years, and no matter what choices I make, what I try to do to evade those things I really want in order to behave in a way that everyone else thinks is "responsible", that simple list is what I need to be happy. I might add a little piece of earth with which to garden, and the food choices now lean more towards Indian food and great wine, but the companionship, the presence of art and music, the opportunity to be alone, my basic needs met - these are really all I need to be happy. And the damn nasal spray and aspirin - my sinuses still bother me and I haven't been able to really kick that habit in a way that sticks.

What do you need to be happy? What are the basics that you can pare your life down to in order to feel content and fulfilled on a daily basis? What can you get rid of that isn't serving you, or is weighing you down needlessly with additional responsibility?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Don't Feed the Trolls: Some Thoughts on Social Media Arguments


Yesterday morning I was greeted with a Facebook notification, alerting me that I had been tagged in a post. I sauntered over to said post, and read the article that my friend had shared. It was a highly incendiary article, written by a white male for the National Review, that calls into question the "war on women." He posits that the battle ended long ago, and that the women won. He cited some statistics that backed up his claims that women are more educated than men, that there are more women in the workforce than men, and that single women out-earn single men. In a nutshell, he thinks women should stop bellyaching. If you'd like to read it, you can find it here.

I have this particular Facebook friend, and I suspect you all have at least one of them, that enjoys posting about highly controversial topics, presumably just to see what kind of shit storm ensues. I've gone back and forth about eliminating this friend from my list, but ultimately have chosen not to. While this friend's views are often wildly different than my own, I find value in knowing how someone so different than me thinks about the world. Arguments are generally solid, and I find that sometimes it does give me pause to consider another point of view.

But yesterday I knew I was being baited.

I'm a feminist, and I do support several charities that work to end violence against women and girls throughout the world. For the past four years I've been involved with a charity production of "The Vagina Monologues" in downtown LA and during the show season post endlessly about it. Hell, I even make anatomically correct vagina cupcakes to sell as a fundraiser. I knew I was tagged in this particular post, in the hopes that I would willingly jump into the fray.

I opted not to participate.

While I have opinions about the article, I am of the firm belief that you cannot ever win an argument on social media. Nick Bilton wrote a great article for the New York Times where he ruminates on how engaging in discussions about highly controversial topics on Facebook or Twitter or other social media outlets is a fool's errand. I tend to agree. 

Here it is, about 24 hours after the argument began, and I see that the post has garnered over 250 comments. And while there are some cogent thoughts presented on both sides of the table, the discussion has devolved into name-calling, hate-speaking, and rape jokes most would consider to be in poor taste, especially if taken out of context. 

In my opinion, arguments on social media cannot be won, and becoming involved in them is a waste of time and energy. There will always be trolls out there, ready to engage in a war of words. It's just not a war that I think is worth fighting. While I think that information about controversial topics has a place on social media, I tend to let the information speak for itself. People can choose to read or not read the articles I share, and I do the same with articles that others share. I digest them and let them inform my worldview. But I don't want to engage with the digital mob. At least I try very hard not to.

What are your thoughts about social media arguments? Do you think they have a place in our virtual world? Do you actively engage in them, or shy away from them as I do?


Monday, September 22, 2014

You Name It, I Fear It

A particular theme keeps surfacing as I continue on this journey of creative self healing: fear. Fear seems to motivate, or at the very least, color many of my choices. A close relative of the Worry Monster that I've written about before, fear seems to be the bigger, more aggressive, gun-toting, hate-speaking brother. The one who takes your lunch money and threatens that you better not tell anyone - or else!

Fear keeps me from pursuing my passions full throttle. Fear of failure is, of course, a primary concern. What if I try the thing that is closest to my heart and fills me up like nothing else, and I completely suck at it? What if people make fun of my unskilled attempts? What if I spend years toiling away and never find success? What if I am nothing more than a dilettante? What if I'm exposed for the hack I really am?

Then there's the lesser-known fear of success. What if I'm good at this, and suddenly there's tons of pressure to keep up the success? What if I have to be totally "on" all of the time? What if I alienate my friends and family? What if we have to move? What if I have to change? God forbid.

Of course, lets not forget about all the mundane, daily fears. What if that persistent muscle pain in my leg is really a blood clot? What if the guy across the street decides to upgrade his verbal threats into actual physical threats - and act on them? What if my car breaks down in heavy traffic on the 405 again? What if I don't ever take off these 20 extra pounds for good?

Why has evolution taken so long? I understand why our ancient ancestors developed a sense of fear - it kept them alive. Now we just seem to fear the things that exist only in our own heads, situations that could happen but most likely won't.

I wish I could tell you all that I've conquered my fears. I haven't. But I'm starting to address them in a more constructive way, in an attempt to take away their power. Elizabeth Gilbert has a great essay about a fear, a letter written to a friend who was fearful about sending her book into the world. In a nutshell, she responds by telling her friend that her fear is boring. All of our fears are boring. We all have the same fears, and they keep repeating themselves. There is nothing original about my fear, or your fear. When we begin to realize that our fear can't come up with anything original, we can more easily put it aside.

What do you fear? What keeps you from pursuing your passions and making your dreams a reality? How do you handle your fear and take away its power?

The Titanic. Original photo by David Hollingworth (Creative Commons)




Thursday, September 18, 2014

How to Deal with the Worry Monster



I've always been a worrier. It's such a big part of my identity, I'm not sure I'd recognize myself if I didn't worry anymore. Who is that carefree woman in the mirror? I've never seen her before, I don't think she's from around here.

When I was young, I worried about the kinds of things young people often worry about. Are my grades good enough? Will I get into the right college? Will I ever find a boyfriend? Am I making enough money to survive?

Now that I'm older, the worries have become more profound. How much longer will my parents be around? Are we making the right decisions for our family? Is that mole cancerous? Is that semi going to tip over and crush me while I'm driving on the 405? Should I be worried about this lump? Does that confrontational guy living across the street have a gun, and is he going to use it someday? The worry monster just gets bigger as time goes on. It has a steady diet of potential calamities on which to dine.

It has become essential to my well-being that I learn how to manage all this worry. I can easily let my worry spiral out of control, until it consumes my mind and turns my stomach into an aching crater full of acid. I can't live like that, so I've made it a conscious practice to deal with it head on as much as possible. It ain't easy. I've remained steadfast in my conviction that my worry originates in my mind, that it is not a chemical imbalance, and I'm not interested in managing it with medication. I think that course is certainly right for some people, but I don't think it's right for me. So I've had to find other ways.

Meditation

I talked about starting a regular meditation practice for years, but never really found a way to begin. My mind is constantly chattering like a 14-year-old girl, and trying to sit quietly with it for more than five minutes can make me terribly irritable. But as the worry has gotten bigger, my need to quiet my mind has become non-negotiable. I made it my New Year's resolution to meditate regularly, and it has finally stuck. While my mind often prattles on during these meditation sessions, it has allowed me to disengage with the emotional reaction to the thought, and that has been essential to mitigating all this worry. If I can see the worry for what it is - a road block to my well-being - than it is easier to consciously turn it off.

Finding the Flow

"The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times... The best moments usually occur if a person's body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile." - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

What does that mean? In a nutshell, it means finding activities in which you experience flow. Some people call it the "zone." Basically, it's engaging with an activity that is so engrossing and enjoyable that you lose sense of the passage of time and become completely immersed in what you are doing. You are fully present. For me, that's gardening. When I am out in the garden, I'm fully present and engaged with what I'm doing. I'm not feeding the Worry Monster. The more you experience flow, the greater your overall happiness, so the theory goes. It seems to be working for me, so I'm going to keep digging up the dirt, planting seeds, and watching them grow.

Mindful Choices

Life is full of so many choices. Every day, we are presented with hundreds of choices, from what to wear to work that day to what we're going to eat for dinner. When I was younger, I often didn't put much thought into the decisions I was making about how I spent my time or who I was choosing to spend it with. I'm much more careful and mindful about those decisions now. I am more discerning about my friendships and who I want to have in my life. I take time to nurture the relationships that are worth keeping, and allow the ones that are not beneficial to my well-being to fall away. I am trying to do that with all aspects of my life, although some are harder than others. I really want to be mindful about not eating unhealthy foods, but that pizza is soooo delicious. At the very least, I will sit down and enjoy the experience of eating the pizza, savoring the flavors and texture, instead of eating it on the run or while performing another task. I have less guilt when I do something mindfully. Since guilt often leads to worry about making poor decisions and where they will lead me, making mindful choices helps to lessen my guilt and subsequent worry.

Worry will probably always be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I have to let it control me. These practices are helping to take the power away from the Worry Monster a little at a time and are allowing me to be a more relaxed and confident person. It takes a conscious effort every day, but it's worth it.

Do you deal with the heaviness of worry? How does it affect you, and how do you try to deal with it?










Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Rewards of Being a Childfree Stepmom

Today - September 16th - is National Stepfamily Day. Did you know there was an actual day to bring awareness to and celebrate stepfamilies? Me neither - and I'm part of a stepfamily!

I suspect one big reason why we don't celebrate National Stepfamily Day is because, for many stepfamilies, there is little to celebrate. It makes sense, if you think about. Stepfamilies are generally formed because of divorce, and divorce is one of the most unpleasant things on earth, so why would we want to celebrate something that is a result of divorce?

Well - I want to celebrate!

I'm a childfree stepmom, which means that I have chosen to have no biological children. Being childfree has it's own set of challenges, the most basic being a lack of understanding. I read a marvelous article on nymag.com yesterday - 25 Famous Women on Childlessness. If you want to get a good idea of how I feel about not having children, I definitely recommend checking it out. They hit the nail on the head.

So - in honor of National Stepfamily Day, I've decided today is a great day to focus on the positive aspects of being a childfree stepmom. There are things I love about having someone else's children (and not my own) in my life, and I think it's about time I paid tribute to that.

Having the 'kid experience' without all the responsibility.


I choose to be childfree in part because I don't want the full time responsibility of raising a child. Having stepkids means I get to have kids in my life, but I'm not the primary parent who is making all the choices about their welfare. Instead, I get what I think of as the 'good stuff' - learning what makes them tick, hearing about their days and what's new at school, celebrating birthdays and holidays, shopping for the presents. What I don't have to do is discipline, drive them to school, pack their lunches, talk to their teachers, teach them to drive - the list goes on and on. I get to know them as people without all the responsibilities that the bio parents have. I think that's pretty cool, and it helps me build a unique relationship with them.

Having the time and space to pursue my own interests without guilt.


Parenting is hard, there is no doubt about that. Every day is a new challenge, from getting them to eat something healthy to dealing with their performance at school. But not being the biological parent means that generally the onus is off me to solve those problems. I only get involved when it's clear I need to be involved - I do believe too many cooks in the kitchen can be a problem in stepfamilies, especially when the bio parents have different parenting styles. The kids already have so many different voices to listen to and to please, they don't need me adding mine to the mix to make things even more confusing. So I stay out of most of those parenting issues. The flipside is that I have extra time to pursue my own interests. My identity is not wholly wrapped up in being a parent. I think part of my success as a stepmom is knowing when my husband needs personal time with the kids without me and not feeling excluded because of it. I simply see it as time that I can spend with my friends or taking a class or gardening or whatever I happen to be into that week.

Being in touch with what it's like to be a kid today.


As a childfree woman pushing 40, it would be easy to be disconnected to younger generations. But having a unique relationship with my stepkids means I get to see the world through their eyes. I have long discussions with my stepdaughter at the kitchen table. I ask lots of questions about her classes and her friends and her thoughts about life. I think it's so important just to give kids a chance to talk and be heard, and I like providing that for them. Being a good listener, and offering up advice when needed, gives me a perspective about them and about the world they are growing up in that I think I wouldn't have if I were a biological parent. I like knowing about what kids are into these days, and seeing how things have changed and how they've stayed the same.

It gives me a different perspective about my husband.


I would never have met my husband if he hadn't had kids. He would be off in some foreign country doing international aid work, most likely. Instead, because of his school age kids, he was here in Los Angeles when I moved here. When we first dated, the kids weren't there most of the time so I got to know him as an adult. Once our relationship got serious and I saw the kids more and more, I got to know him as a dad and to see a totally different side of him. I find it deeply moving how much he loves his kids and what he's willing to do for them and it has made our relationship that much more meaningful to me.

It keeps me on my toes with endless surprises.


I'm not always in the know about when I'm going to see the kids or the minutiae of what's going on in their lives. This certainly keeps me on my toes and teaches me to be flexible. There are also tremendously rewarding surprises, such as last Christmas when my husband and my stepdaughter went to Indiana with me to spend the holiday with my family. My stepkids don't normally give me presents on holidays (I don't expect them to), but this Christmas the two of them gave me something special - a necklace that had been given to them from their grandmother, my husband's mother. I was totally flabbergasted and genuinely moved by their thoughtfulness. 

It stretches my heart in ways I never thought possible.


Having kids around has altered my perspective of the world. When they are here at my house, their needs come first. When they are not here, I wonder what they are up to and think about how I can be a better stepmom the next time I see them. Having them in my life has taught me to open my heart and has challenged me to attain higher ideals. I want to be a good role model for them, and that means working on myself so I can be a better person for them. I've learned better how to deal with situations I have no control over and how to handle some pretty explosive emotions. I've learned that my heart has space in it for them. The heart really is a muscle - the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. 

Are you part of a stepfamily? What are some of the things you enjoy about your role? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And if you're looking for a great resource for stepmoms, check out StepMom Magazine (and yes - that's me on the cover!). This magazine has truly provided wisdom and advice when I needed it most, and it is always presented in a positive, problem-solving way.