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Monday, November 24, 2014

Going Rogue

I made a terrible realization the other day. I realized that I assume I will fail.

I've been an actor for 20 years. I studied for 7 years with some of the best teachers in the country. I worked on my skills, honed my talent, paid my money for all the tools I would need to have a successful career, and success has been nothing but elusive. Every time I'm about to get to the next level, a brick wall is thrown up in front of me. Nothing about being an artist has been easy for me. So my default setting is assuming failure. I realize that I now assume that everything I try will fail. I made the unpleasant discovery that success doesn't even seem like a possibility anymore. Because failure is all I have ever known.

This makes me incredibly sad.

I keep going, though, because in my heart it's what I know I'm supposed to do. I've tried doing other things, I've walked away from being an artist for years at a time. But that is soul-crushing, I've learned that the hard way. Being successful at something else does not make me happy. Not in a meaningful way.

I'd like to think that at some point, something will be easy. That my hard work and dedication will pay off. That someone will say YES. YES, Amy Clites, we want to work with you. YES, Amy Clites, not only do we think you have talent, but we know just what to do with it. My problem has never been a lack of talent. My problem has always been that I don't fit into any mold, so nobody has ever known how to capitalize on what I have to offer. (CAPITALIZE is the operative word there - people don't know how to make money off me.)

I recently had breakfast with a friend who just celebrated a milestone birthday. When taking stock of where she is right now versus where she thought she'd be, the truth was that she doesn't have any of the things she thought she'd have at this age. But instead of it bringing her down, she said it was actually freeing. She made the realization that it was time to go rogue. And I'm going rogue right with her. We've been fed all these ideas about how to be successful and none of them have worked for us. We've played by the rules, we've taken the classes, we've gotten the right pictures, we've learned how to typecast ourselves, and NONE of it is working. As my friend told me, it's time to trail blaze.

FUCK everything that I've been taught. I'm not playing by anybody else's rules anymore except my own. You think you can tell me what I need to do to succeed? GREAT! But guess what? Tried it! Didn't work for me! Doesn't feel authentic to who I am! So fuck all that. As my sage-like movement teacher in grad school, Loyd Williamson, would say, "Go your own way."

Starting today I'm doing things differently. How? I have no fucking idea yet. I have no idea how this will take shape. I have no road map. It's time to go inward, to listen to my heart and my intuition. To say YES to things that feel good and right and NO to things that don't. "One size fits all" success is not in the cards for me. I started on that journey - getting the education, doing the networking, taking MORE classes, paying MORE people to teach me the secret to success. Yeah, fuck that. I'm in the same place pretty much that I was 20 years ago - expect MUCH deeper in debt. That shit does not work for me.

When I was a teenager, I thought of myself as a nonconformist. Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that I needed to conform in order to succeed. How the fuck did that happen?

I'm going rogue, y'all. It's time to be a stubborn, incorrigible nonconformist. Stay tuned.



Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I'm Not a Christian, But I Prayed Today

I prayed today.

No, I don't normally pray. Not in a traditional, Christian-type way. I'm not a Christian, and I've never spoken to God in a direct way through prayer. Just saying the word "God" has always made me uneasy. I'm not an atheist, however. I am a spiritual person, and I connect to my spirituality through meditation. I feel more comfortable with the word "Universe" to describe the all-powerful, all-knowing presence others might refer to as "God". "Universe" works for me, because my beliefs tend to lean towards the idea that everything is connected - you, me, that dog, those flowers, Jupiter, the cosmos. As Carl Sagan famously said, "We're made of star stuff." That deeply resonates with me, and my truth.

When I feel troubled, have a problem that needs to be worked out, or am generally feeling blue, I've learned to turn to this meditative state, and to find solace in the small things - my cats purring, the rose bush in bloom in the garden, a warm cup of coffee. I've found answers to many of life's problems there, which is generally along the lines of "Take it easy. Don't take yourself or your problems too seriously. We're all part of the same machine. You're not in this alone."

But there are times when that isn't enough, really. As I get older, problems seem to become more serious, more life-changing, more damaging - the potential for total annihilation seems to be around every corner. I'm having one of those moments right now. Where I'm confronted with a problem that I have discovered I don't yet have the tools I need to really deal with it in a meaningful way. So I prayed.

Anne Lamott wrote a wonderful book a few years ago called Help, Thanks, Wow: Three Essential Prayers. In it she identifies three types of prayers - those where you ask for help, those where you thank God/the Universe because you are receiving the help you need, and those where you are so totally wowed you are speechless. I'm very familiar with the latter two, but I don't have much experience with the first, so I decided to try it. What could it hurt?

There are many among my friends who dismiss prayer as a legitimate tool of assistance. Asking God to cure cancer seems totally futile. Is God going to reach down out of the sky with a giant hand and miraculously cure you? Probably not. But I'm coming around to the idea of asking for assistance through prayer. When I pray, I may pray to "God" (which I did this morning), but really, I am praying to myself (which, I literally believe to be true - we are all a part of "God" or have "God" inside us, whatever "God" is - that star stuff Carl Sagan was talking about).

I prayed for patience, and insight. I prayed to find the tools, the wisdom I need to deal with this particular issue with grace. I promised to clear my mind, let go of my more explosive emotions, and be on the lookout for the help that I need. I promised not to shut down, but instead to open up, to let go, to make space for the new light to fill, when it comes. I asked for help with all of this.

I'm asking myself to be open to new possibilities, to find new ways, to have more grace. I'm old enough to know that problems will never stop coming. No life is problem-free, and many of us face unbelievably heart-breaking challenges from time to time. I am wise enough to know that while I don't have the tools I need yet to deal with this problem head-on, that this challenge is giving me the opportunity to learn new skills, to be a better person. To be a better me. I may arrive on the other side with a couple more wrinkles and a couple more pounds, but I will be smarter, my mind will be clearer, my heart will be stronger, and my soul will be more open.

I prayed today. And I think it helped. I'll probably do it again sometime.


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Showing My Work

I've been anxiously waiting for a book that I've had on hold at the library, and finally got it into my hot little hands yesterday afternoon, after a wait of about three months.

I'm already finished reading it.

In fairness, it's a short book, easily digested, but it is FULL of GREAT and USEFUL IDEAS. That book is "Show Your Work" by Austin Kleon.



Do you know him? If not, you should check him out. Particularly if you are a creative type person. His first book, "Steal Like an Artist" is also right on the money. You can find out all about his books and his blackout poetry at www.austinkleon.com.

I've been thinking about this concept - showing my work - for a few months now. Ever since I started on the journey of The Artist's Way, back in August. A journey which is coming to an end this week. I'm a changed person because of it.

I've got lots of ideas brewing in this brain of mine. I'm smack-dab in the middle of working on a Young Adult novel - called "New Summerland" - as part of NaNoWriMo. This very blog you're reading right now is scheduled for a New Years overhaul, and I'm pretty excited about it. I've got a better idea of what direction I'm heading in, and I'm excited to share it with you.

I've been enjoying this new process of showing my work on a regular basis. I thank you for going on this ride with me, and sharing your work with me. We're all in this together. We are all students and teachers, simultaneously.

Go forth and create! And show me what you're working on!


Thursday, November 13, 2014

An Afternoon in Paris - Then and Now

I am engulfed in wonderful memories today. On this day one year ago my husband, Adam, and I were on our honeymoon in Paris. We spent three wine-soaked, wonder-filled days bumming around the city with our good friend, Wally, after having spent the previous three weeks exploring rural France, Sicily and Marrakech. It was epic.

On this particular day - November 13, 2013 - we spent the afternoon tracking down the location of a photo that Adam's parents had taken on their honeymoon in Paris in 1949, in the hopes of recreating the photo ourselves. Adam wrote a beautiful story of our little adventure, which is posted below with the pictures - then and now.

On a side note we have recently learned that the Frank mentioned in the story below, Frank Mankiewicz, has recently passed, which makes this memory all the more bittersweet today. Frank was Adam's father's best friend, and later became the Press Secretary for Bobby Kennedy's presidential campaign. Adam's parents were at the Ambassador Hotel with Frank on the night Kennedy was assassinated, which is another story for another time, but certainly makes all of the below even more poignant for us. We certainly wish to express our deepest condolences to Frank's family. He will always be remembered quite fondly by us.

I do hope you enjoy.

An Afternoon in Paris - Then and Now
by Adam Hall

Paris, 1949. Four years after the end of the world's most destructive war, which had destroyed large swaths of Europe, my parents chose to celebrate their nuptials by honeymooning there. Most of the details are lost, and perhaps not particularly interesting. But central to this story is the sole surviving photo from their trip. It shows them on a motorcycle, in front of a cafe, on a street corner in Paris. I came into possession of the picture following my father's passing in 2011. Framed simply, it hangs in the central hallway of my house, above the usual line of sight.  For the last two years I have occasionally glanced at it, trying to conjure images of what their trip must have been like. They seldom mentioned it, not out of any reluctance, as they obviously enjoyed the adventure, more from a perception that no one would be interested in the telling.

Los Angeles, 2013. I have recently married Amy, a wonderful woman who enjoys travel, and specifically travel with me. A fortuitous combination of factors led us to plan a honeymoon trip to Paris, from which seed a general plan of travel emerged. As I began the planning, the image of that picture of my parents on the street in Paris took more precedence in my mind and I began to view it as a quest for our trip. My most traveled friend always advised that one should have a quest on any trip, something which guides and provides directions in the absence of any other motivation. Even a honeymoon can benefit from some focus, so I imagined tracking down the location where the photo was taken and recreating it with my wife. We would be visiting our good friend, Wally, while in Paris, and he thought the challenge to be an admirable one.

As you can see in the picture, there isn’t a lot to identify the location. The Rue de L'Université is a rather long street in a city where streets tend to change names at every brasserie. Thanks to the advent of Google Street view it is now possible to take a virtual drive along a street, and so I had hopes of being able to spot the corner from the comfort of home prior to visiting Paris.  Unfortunately, that did not pan out. Or more precisely, I could not pan in close enough to match any of the details. Of course, it has been over 60 years since then and not surprisingly the buildings have undergone renovations, redecorating, change of tenants and use, and even entire buildings torn down and rebuilt (although, this being Paris, that is a rare event).

It was looking like the only way of identifying the building would be to walk up and down the street hoping to find someone old enough to remember how the street appeared all those years ago. How far back would that be? Did the cafe survive 10 or 20 years before succumbing to progress? There are many cafes still in business from that time, for example the ones Hemingway wrote about in The Moveable Feast. Would I get lucky and find that this was such a stalwart? At least then the cafe might have old pictures of its history, or an owner with ties to that time period.

There was one remaining link to their trip - their best friend Frank, who I recall them saying was with them at the start in Paris, and who, at 90 years of age, is still going strong and has vivid recollections of their times together (as evidenced by a set of recollections and stories he sent me on the occasion of my father's recent passing). Whether those recollections are reliable is debatable. Frank’s family was as literate as the Kennedy’s were orate. He also had the demeanor of a top poker player, of which there was already a representative amongst the family. The combination led to some memorable family word games (trust me, it was more interesting than it sounds.) The point being, no matter how firmly and believably Frank might respond to my questions, I had to take his answers with a grain of salt.

Paris, 2013. Upon landing in Paris, I called Frank and asked if he remembered the photo. After some confusion about who was in the picture he quickly described how they had decamped to the Hotel de L'Université, using it as a base for trips around Europe that continued through the end of the year. He recollected the address as being number 5 or 6, and the intersection was Rue des Saints Pères. The cafe, he thought, was the hotel cafe and called the Bonaparte. This was all promising information, and informed by that intelligence I set off with Amy to see what we could find. We made arrangements to meet up with Wally in that general area later in the afternoon.

Amy and I arrived at the Rue de L'Université by Metro and began walking towards the location we had identified. Eventually we came to the 10s and found ourselves in front of the Hotel de L'Université. My spirits lifted as a major piece fit the puzzle. But there was no cafe fronting the hotel, nor did it look like there had ever been a place for one. More importantly, it was not on a corner, so unless a street had been closed off Frank's data was a bit off. And in Paris, changing a street like that would be unheard of.

We continued on down the rue, looking for the next corner. The hotel ended and we started to pass other buildings. This meant that the cafe couldn't be in the hotel. Further down the street, number 6 was just a store in the middle of the block. But then, coming to the intersection with Rue des Saints Pères, I found two cafes on opposite corners on the north side of the street, matching the shadows on the picture showing that the café was south-facing. On the near side was the Galette Café. On the opposite side across Rue des Saints Pères was the Comptoir des Saints Pères bar brasserie. To confuse things, a sign on the outside of the Comptoir touted their "cafe a la tasse" and "chocolat chaud", similar to what was on the window in the original picture. But everything was different from the photo. Then, looking above the Galette Cafe, I spotted the window and filigreed iron railing on the second floor, and a smile lit across my face as I realized that I had found the same building. Amy and I excitedly looked back and forth between the photo and the building, and confirmed that it had the right features.

We crossed the street to the cafe, but it was closed until lunch time. With an hour to wait before it opened, and also for Wally to arrive, we adjourned to the bar on the other corner to do what Parisians love to do anyway - enjoy an espresso and watch the world go by. I showed the picture to one of the older waiters. He said that had indeed been the cafe across the street many years ago. I had my confirmation!  After a bit Wally arrived. We shared our success with him, and all sat down to await the opening of Galette.

Shortly after noon, the blinds went up and Galette Café was open for business. We walked over, sat down, and showed the waitress our picture. She and her husband were the owners (he was from Brittany, hence the specialty of galettes – buckwheat flour crêpes - in the name and on the menu) and we all traded mutual travel stories for a few minutes, including me telling about my parents’ trip 64 years ago. They had opened the restaurant about a year ago, and the previous place had been there for 30 years, which still did not go back to the original from the picture. But we knew we had the right place. We then sat down to a delicious lunch of galettes, and planned our next steps.

Paris has a system of bicycle rentals on streets throughout the city, and we decided to rent one of them to recreate the picture ourselves. Put our own spin on it, as it were. We found a nearby bank of bikes and took one back to the cafe, which by this time was half-bathed in bright sunlight coming down the street. We needed to wait for about 30 minutes until the sun passed behind the street's buildings, so we settled into the Comptoir bar across the street again for another libation. It was a very European thing to do anyway.


Presently, the sun went behind a building and we were clear to take the re-creation photo. We took our places with Wally assuming Frank’s role across the street as photographer. I tried imagining what those three experienced on that day more than 60 years ago.  Of course theirs was a spur-of-the-moment photo. Between getting the pose right, lighting, and constant foot and vehicle traffic, it took us about 20 minutes to get the shot. I felt very uncomfortable with people staring at me so I guess I could never have a career as a model/actor. Amy and Wally (both actors) on the other hand, enjoyed the hell out of it.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Respect Vs. Compassion

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about the concepts of Respect and Compassion. Specifically, I have been thinking about them in terms of how they relate to the challenging relationships I have in my life, relationships that are nearly impossible to walk away from. Since these relationships are here to stay, I must find a way to come to terms with them.

Learning how to deal with contentious, long-term relationships has given me many opportunities for personal growth over the last few years. I say that a little tongue in cheek, of course, but I have truly looked for ways to let these contentious relationships make me a better person. After all, it is not how you deal with the good things in your life that determines your character, it is how you deal with the negative things that inevitably show up from time to time. It's easy to behave with grace when life is going well, not so much when shit continually hits the fan. So how do I learn from these experiences, these painful relationships, and grow from them?

This is where the idea of respect and compassion comes in. The lesson I have learned over and over during that past few years is that compassion is king. I want to approach the world with compassion. I want to find compassion in my heart for those who speak ill of me or do things to harm me or those I love. It is not easy to find this compassion, but if I can distance myself from the relationship a bit, if I can disengage as much as possible, and step back a bit from the hurt, I can more easily find compassion and extend compassion. Compassion not only helps to mitigate disharmony, but really it just makes me feel better. The bottom line is compassion is good for my heart, so practicing compassion is kind of a no-brainer.

But what about respect? Are compassion and respect the same things? I sometimes see them used interchangeably, but I wonder if that is true. Perhaps it is just a question of semantics. But respect seems to me something that has to be earned, whereas compassion is something I can extend to anyone regardless of their perceived worthiness. I can have compassion for someone who speaks harshly about me online, but I don't necessarily need to respect them.

What are your thoughts about respect and compassion? Are they the same thing? Two sides of the same coin? Or is one earned, while the other is freely given?

Sunday, November 2, 2014

NaNoWriMo 2014 - Am I Crazy?!

I've been talking about writing a book. For YEARS. Have I done it? Nope. It's really easy to put off writing a book. Staring at that blank page, thinking about all the words you still have to write, trying to figure out how to structure the damn thing, looking for some kind of divine intervention...yeah, way easier to clean the bathroom and re-organize the garage than get started on that novel.

In an interesting bit of synchronicity, I have been lately thinking again seriously about writing a book, and stumbled on this little thing called National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for short. Basically, it is a challenge to write 50,000 words during the month of November. If you finish, you win. Approximately 250,000 people take the challenge, and only 33,000 win.

Well, crap, if you make it a competition of course I want to win!

So, I threw my hat in the ring. I had an idea for a Young Adult novel in October, so I decided to run with it. Flying by the seat of my pants. I'm two days and 4,426 words in. It is extremely helpful to have a deadline and to know that the most important goal is to just get the words on the page. Keep typing. Don't get mired down in details. Start and JUST KEEP GOING TIL YOU FINISH.

This is the perfect set-up for me.

You may not hear from me quite so often this month, as some of my dedicated blogging time will now be novel-writing time, because I am determined to finish this thing. I want to be able to look back at the end of the year and think I WROTE A BOOK. A WHOLE BOOK!!

Anyone want to join me?


Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Simple List of Things I Love

Today's task in The Artist's Way was to make a simple list of things I love, and to post it somewhere where I can see it. If possible, I'm also supposed to get myself something off this list to enjoy. I've posted here before about my essentials for happiness and things I want, but making this list felt a little different. These are the simple things that bring me joy. They aren't necessarily essential to my well-being, but they make life richer and more meaningful.

THINGS I LOVE

  1.  CATS!
  2.  Slow meals with good friends and family
  3. Candlelight
  4. Bright colors and patterns, especially exotic ones
  5. Wonderful smells like lavender, lilac, rosemary and onions cooking on the stove
  6. Things that are soft and fluffy and silky to the touch
  7. Bright fall days
  8. Being surrounded by plants and flowers
  9. Rain and thunderstorms
  10. The sound of meditation bells
  11. Lemon flavored desserts
  12. Receiving cards and letters in the mail
  13. Giving gifts
  14. Traveling to new places
  15. Indian food
  16. The first glass of wine at the end of a long day
  17. Hugs from my parents
  18. Bringing a smile to someone’s face
  19. Halloween
  20. Feeling like part of a family
  21. Listening to music while driving, and singing along
  22. Street fairs and farmer’s markets
  23. Claw machines, and the feeling I get when I win
  24. Sunrises, and the quiet early morning hours
  25. Being in nature, and seeing animals in their natural habitats
  26. The first cup of coffee in the morning
  27. The anticipation of travel, of fun upcoming events, and of seeing people I haven’t seen in a long time
  28. Dramatic sunsets
  29. Clean sheets
  30. Pretty little flowers in a vase

What do you love? I challenge you to make a simple list. It feels good, and it's a great reminder to add these little things to your life whenever possible. You deserve it.

My cats, Murray and Venus, enjoying a fresh breeze.  I love them!


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Dear Dad: On the Occasion of Your 70th Birthday, I Want to Say Thank You...

Dear Dad:

On the occasion of your 70th birthday, I want to say thank you...



...for working hard in the steel mill for all those years so that you could support your family and send me to college.

...for taking me to Disney World for my 5th birthday!

...for being an excellent dance partner.

...for coming to my rescue when I was scared during a thunderstorm, even though it meant breaking your foot.

...for making sure there was always some time to have fun together.

...for your service to our country when you were a young man.

...for giving me an appreciation of country life.

...for loving my mother, and showing me through your example what love is.


...for always being the person I can call when I have car problems.

...for coaching me and going with me to the dealership to buy my first car, which I drove out to Los Angeles.

...for having a bit of a mischievous side.


...for having an excellent sense of humor, and showing me how not to take myself too seriously.


...for being the kind of guy who can rock a pair of suspenders.

...for showing me through your actions how important it is to help other people and to be of service.


...for traveling to the far sides of the country to visit me.


...for taking me to and picking me up from the airport, endlessly.

...for giving me so many birthdays to share with you!


With Much Love,
Your Daughter,
Amy

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Welcome Back, Monica: An Open Letter to Monica Lewinsky

Dear Monica-

I hadn't realized you had disappeared somewhat from the public eye until yesterday (I guess that's how "disappearing from the public eye" works). I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and came upon a video a friend had shared from Upworthy - "Monica Lewinsky Gives Her First Public Speech in 16 Years And Says Exactly What Needs To Be Said". Based on my friend's comment, which amounted to, "Hey, we've all made crappy decisions, let's have some compassion", I decided to have a look.

Compassion has been a theme in my life lately. The past couple of years have thrown some pretty awful things my way, including being publicly maligned on social media - though on a much smaller scale than what you've had to deal with - and I've discovered that the only way to really cope is to actively practice compassion. It is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges to embrace, but one that also reaps the highest rewards.

In watching the video of your speech at the Forbes Under 30 Summit, I noticed that I could not stop smiling. It seems like a strange reaction, but I was delighted by your honesty, your willingness to accept responsibility for the poor choices of your youth, and your commitment to giving purpose to your past.

Hell, I've made poor choices. I made ALOT of poor choices in my early twenties. Thankfully, through life experience, I'm making far fewer poor choices now that I'm heading into my forties. I've suffered the consequences from those bad choices, learned something, and have been able to grow and put them behind me. Due to the global publicity of your choices, you have not been so lucky. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to have to revisit choices I made 16 years ago every day.

I remember in the late 90s and early 2000s joining in on the "let's bash Monica Lewinsky" bandwagon. I didn't think of you as a real person then, you were simply a character in a political theater piece that seemed to have very little to do with my reality. Frankly, I'm embarrassed by that now. You are a person - a smart, strong, capable, ambitious, generous and warm-heated person at that. I'm sorry that I ever let you become something other than that in my mind. You are a person that deserves to have a happy and productive life. Compassion is teaching me that we all do, and that I need to take more care in how I perceive people in the media. No story is black and white, and it is important to remember that there is always a real person, with real feelings, behind every story - a person whose truth may be drastically different from the story that is being spun by the media.

There are always going to be trolls and cyber-bullies. I read some nasty things in reaction to your recent Vanity Fair article as well as your Forbes speech. None of us will ever be free of those who lack compassion, who refuse to give anyone a second chance, who refuse to take the high road, who are incapable of having empathy for someone's imperfect humanity. But I hope that you will weather the naysayers so that you may find your purpose.

Our world needs more women who can rise out of shame, more women who are educated, well-spoken, and compassionate, who can provide a voice for those who do not have the strength to speak for themselves, who lack the courage to face humiliation with their heads held high.

I'd like to live in a world where Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton can co-exist. I don't think having respect and compassion for one should negate that for the other. I believe I can hold each in high esteem without being contradictory. I hope more and more people come to that conclusion as well. It would be a damn shame for the world to lose out on the gifts you have to give. The time is right for your new beginning, and I am excited to think about the ways in which you will have a positive impact on our world.

Welcome back, Monica. I, for one, am really glad you are here.

Sincerely,
Amy Clites


Thursday, October 23, 2014

Why Getting Older Has Made Me More Indecisive and Less Opinionated, and What That Has to Do with Renee Zellweger's Face

Unless you are completely disconnected from the Internet, chances are you read something about Renee Zellweger's face over the past couple of days. It seems just about every media outlet, celebrity journalist, blogger, and anyone with a Twitter account has piped in with their two cents. Scroll through your newsfeed and you'll no doubt see before and after pictures of her face, expressions of shock and dismay, and opinions about women over 40 getting plastic surgery. Some people find her new look appalling. Some think we should just ignore it. Others have defended her.

My original reaction was one of mildly shocked confusion. How could someone's face change so much that they no longer look like themselves? I clicked back and forth between pictures, trying to figure out what was different, but the changes are subtle. Yet, there's no denying she no longer looks like Bridget Jones. I felt the familiar mild annoyance I generally do that women over 40 continue to perpetuate this notion that we all have to live up to impossible beauty standards, and continue to look like young versions of ourselves, even when we're older. I, myself, have considered plastic surgery on this nose of mine, thinking that would solve some of my problems and people in Hollywood would like me better. So far, I've succeeded in talking myself out of that. I have worked very hard to like who I am, and I don't really want to undergo elective surgery that may drastically alter my appearance. I want to look like me when I look in the mirror.

But then I read her response in People magazine and I thought, "Hey, she's right, who am I to shame someone whose appearance has changed?" My confusion and annoyance about the differences in her face morphed into annoyance about all the attention people were paying to it. I liked that she had made many of the same changes that I've been working on as I get older, namely slowing down, spending more time with a few important people, getting more rest, nurturing my creativity, and learning more about my authentic self.

But then, goddammit, I read this article in LA Weekly, and my opinion changed again. Amy Nicholson makes a great argument that it's okay - nay, that it's actually very important - that we're upset about Renee's Zellweger's face. The actress's refusal to acknowledge that she has had any cosmetic procedures to alter her look, that they are instead the result of being well-rested and happy, is a terrible affront to all us average Sallys out there. No matter how much sleep I get, or how many home-grown vegetables I eat, I'm never going to look like a "movie star". Nicholson argues that her changed appearance just proves that talent and personality are much less important than beauty.

I already know that beauty is king, I don't need any additional reinforcement of that idea.

So, here's where it gets tricky for me. I appreciate Zellweger's response that people should focus more on the positive changes she's made in her life to make it happier and more fulfilling, and spend less time obsessing about her looks. But I also agree with Nicholson, that ignoring it does nothing to mitigate the idea that women need to always look as beautiful and as young as possible, even if it means going under the knife.

This makes me want to tear my hair out! I don't know what to think anymore!

I was very opinionated as a teenager, and in my early 20s. But since I hit 30, if you present me with two opposing ideas and make a good argument for each, I cannot decide how to feel about it. I no longer see issues in black and white. I've had too many life experiences, things I thought would never happen to me and family, that have forever altered my ability to see issues as inherently good or inherently bad. I tend to shy away from hot button issues because my thoughts aren't generally solid one way or another. I'm terrible at arguing a point, especially with someone who is very persuasive, because I then see it from another point of view and my own arguments seem hollow.

I thought this development as I get older, this inability to be fervently opinionated, was the result of having a more tender heart, of feeling a little weaker. A friend (someone who is, coincidentally, a great persuader), challenged me that it is not weakness, but wisdom.

I'd like to believe my indecisive nature is a result of wisdom gained over the years, but I'm not so sure (ha! There's that indecisiveness again). Now with Renee Zellweger staring me in the face with her new face, this issue is more confusing than ever.

Does anyone else have this problem?


Monday, October 20, 2014

Morning Pages Insight - What I Want

Part of the creative recovery process laid out in The Artist's Way are the morning pages. These are perhaps the most important tool of the entire journey and must be completed every day. First thing in the morning, you are to write three pages of free association. No editing, no censoring, just get it all on the page, even if it is nonsensical garbage.

I've come to the point in the process where we're asked to go back and read these morning pages, looking for insights and calls to action. It's a rather astonishing exercise. First of all, I'm awed by the sheer number of words and pages. If I dedicated myself to writing three pages every day, I'd have a book in two months. Wow. Secondly, while there is quite of bit of blathering on about mundane daily life, there are some genuine themes emerging, and bits of writing that I've done that are resonating with me.

Early in the process I made a stream-of-consciousness list of what I really want in life. Some of it is just basic, like wanting good health. Some of it is my dreams, like starring in a movie. But all of it is illuminating. I feel a little naked exposing this to you all, but I feel like naming what I want and putting it out there into the Universe is the first step in calling it to me. I am working hard to visualize abundance for myself and my family and friends, and to honor the notion that the Universe is conspiring to give me everything that I want. And that's not a selfish notion - I believe that is true for everyone. You have the capacity to have everything that you want.

So, here it is. Here is what I want.

What I Want

  1. I want financial security.
  2. I want a strong and healthy family.
  3. I want a strong and healthy body.
  4. I want a rewarding, intimate relationship.
  5. I want a clear, healthy, and creative mind.
  6. I want to be respected in my field.
  7. I want to be a successful writer.
  8. I want to make my living from writing and acting.
  9. I want to be creative every day.
  10. I want to play in the sun and grow a big garden.
  11. I want to live somewhere that is beautiful.
  12. I want to marvel at nature on a daily basis.
  13. I want to travel and see more of the world before I am dead.
  14. I want to nurture the important friendships in my life.
  15. I want to see my parents and my family more.
  16. I want to have a peaceful relationship with my husband's family.
  17. I want my friends to have the things that they want.
  18. I want to be happy.
  19. I want my friends and family to be happy.
  20. I want to spend as little time working as possible, and as much time playing and exploring my hobbies and helping people feel inspired by the world around them.
  21. I want to be a force and a voice of good.
  22. I want to be a good person.
  23. I want to be involved in my community.
  24. I want to be a good role model to young and old alike.
  25. I want to grow old gracefully.
  26. I want to embrace my flaws.
  27. I want to feel confident and strong.
  28. I want to banish anxiety from my life.
  29. I want to live peacefully, surrounded by nature and my cats.
  30. I want to write some books and go on a few book tours.
  31. I want some of my books to be turned into movies, movies in which my friends and I can star.
  32. I want to explore the world and explore my inner world.
  33. I want to meditate more and talk less.
  34. I want to be a beacon of light to others in the world who feel lost.
So there you have it. That is what I want, at least on that particular day in September of 2014. I feel it is so important to name these things, so that I can make a move towards attaining them.

What do you want? Have you sat down and written it out? I challenge you to take a little time to be abundantly clear, down to the smallest details and the biggest concepts, of what you want out of this life. And then tell me all about how you are achieving these things. We can do it - together!


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Adult-Flavored Halloween Rice Krispie Treats





No, they don't taste like adults. They are Rice Krispie Treats that elevate my Midwestern dessert of youth to a more sophisticated level. It's Rice Krispie Treats for those who have developed a palate but aren't afraid of casseroles.

Hubs and I were invited to a pre-Halloween backyard screening of Beetlejuice this weekend, and these seemed like the perfect thing to nosh on while watching the Sand Worm try to eat a flannel-clad Alec Baldwin. My friends have hosted these outdoor movie nights before, and I've developed a personal trend of bringing themed Rice Krispie Treats. They are the perfect backyard party food: they're homemade but don't take tons of time, they travel well, they can be eaten with no utensils, and pretty much who doesn't like Rice Krispie Treats? They went perfectly with the Kale Caesar Salad our lovely hosts made and the tub of Kentucky Fried Chicken that another guest brought (he won the party, by the way, with the KFC). Just the right amount of fancy flavor and trashy party food.

I winged the recipe, because, really, how do you mess up Rice Krispie Treats? But here's a good plan to follow, in case you are cooking-impaired. You can easily double the recipe for a big party, or, you know, just wing it like I did.

Brown Butter Pumpkin Spice Rice Krispie Treats

Ingredients:


  • one stick of unsalted butter (you could use less, but hey if you're gonna go for it, go for it)
  • 8 cups mini marshmallows
  • 10 cups Rice Krispies (I used the store brand, who can tell the difference?)
  • 3 tsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 6 drops red food color
  • 6 drops yellow food color
  • black and orange sprinkles and spider rings (optional, obviously)

Directions:

  • Coat a 9x13 inch pan with cooking spray (I also used a 9x9 inch pan to make enough for a party).
  • Melt butter in a non-stick pot, cooking until it is slightly brown and nutty smelling.
  • Add the marshmallows, pumpkin spice, and food coloring and stir until melted.
  • Remove from heat and add Rice Krispies. Stir until well-coated.
  • Press the mixture into the prepared dishes (I used a spatula sprayed with cooking spray).
  • Sprinkle orange and black sprinkles on top.
  • Allow to cool, then turn out onto a cutting board and cut into squares.
These were a big hit at the party, and hubs was sad we didn't have any more at home. I suspect I'll be making another batch for Halloween night, to snack on while we hand out treats and scare the crap out of the trick-or-treaters.