Does Honey Maid Get Their New Stepfamily Commercial Right?

There was a minor stir in my corner of the Internet yesterday. Honey Maid has released a new "documentary" (aka commercial) as part of their This Is Wholesome campaign, featuring what they call a blended family. It features a boy named Isaac with his two parents and two stepparents.

As Isaac sees it, he has two moms and two dads. In fact, the stepmom, in the beginning of the spot, says "I'll never forget the first time Isaac called me 'Mom.'" The commercial then goes on to show how these two stepfamilies have come together to raise their children. We see them all together celebrating a birthday, and playing at the beach. The parents talk about how the situation isn't easy, but that they come together for the sake of the kids. The full clip can be seen at the bottom of the post.

In what world does this actually happen? Is it wrong to say that when I watched this commercial, it made me feel a little queasy?

Please don't misunderstand me - I think it's great. I would love to be part of such a highly-functioning stepfamily.  I'm a stepmom, and I enjoy a healthy relationship with both of my stepchildren. I want to be a positive adult role model for them, and I want them to feel that they can talk to me about anything.  But our stepfamily looks nothing like this TV stepfamily. The bio parents struggle to get along, and it feels like we are almost always on the brink of war. The divorce has unfortunately caused a great rift in my husband's family, and family members have taken sides. It would be a stretch to say that everyone over 20 has acted like an adult at all times. In the beginning, we tried to blend like Isaac's family. We all attended birthday parties and family events. But that didn't last, and we're all still sorting out how to get along well enough to make sure the kids have a good environment in which to grow up. And no matter how much I love my stepkids, I don't expect or even really want them to call me "mom."

I feel like the commercial sets up unrealistic expectations. According to the statistics presented in the commercial, more than 40% of Americans are part of a blended family. How many of those families do you think actually look like this one? From my experience, very few. In a perfect world, we'd all behave like adults all of the time. But in most stepfamilies, the reality is quite different. Seeing commercials like this makes it easy to feel like we're failing, when we are already trying as hard as we can to make the situation as best as it can be amongst people who just don't get along.

I applaud Honey Maid for daring to approach this subject, in the same way I applaud Cheerios for showing a different kind of family in their recent campaign. But I look forward to the day when we can be more honest about how these types of families function so that we don't feel like we have to live up to impossible standards. I gave up trying to look like a swimsuit model long ago, even though that's what the media tells me I should look like. I don't want to be made to feel that I'm also failing as a stepmom, when I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job considering the circumstances.

 

Why Are Good Habits So Elusive?

The number one reason I am writing a daily blog is to establish a good habit of writing every day. Putting it up for everyone to see keeps me accountable. At least I hope it will.

It seems I have no ending of bad habits that have grown on me like fungus, in the middle of the night without my even knowing. Smoking? Check. Drinking too much? Check. Eating crap instead of healthy food? Check. Sleeping too late? Check. Finding excuses to avoid writing? Check.

Why are bad habits so easy to form, and not good ones?

I'm worried the accountability part of the daily blog isn't going to work. I've joined Weight Watchers three times now, and I while think that having someone else weigh me every week will keep me accountable, sometimes it doesn't. If I don't like the weight they see too many times in a row, I just don't go anymore. That's where I am right now. Smack in the middle of a bad habit.

What happens if I think you don't like what you're reading too many times in a row, so I just stop writing?

The challenge of this exercise is to strike a balance between writing about my process, which is inherently selfish, and writing about something that other people will enjoy reading. Hopefully the two coincide somewhere in there.

So far I've been successful at establishing a new, good habit of getting out of bed an hour and half earlier, so I can sit down and write before I check email or Facebook or even get dressed. But how long will that last, before an insidious bad habit takes over? They seem to do that, you know. Creep in silently like a squatter in an empty house and set up residence before anyone knows they're there. Once they're discovered they can't be evicted because they've established squatter's rights.

Bad habits are my homeless squatters.

Lifehack has a great article "18 Tricks to Make New Habits Stick". It has fair dose of good advice, and I'm trying to stick to the guidelines, like starting simply, making it daily, and getting a buddy (in this case, that's you).

Are you trying to establish a good habit, and break an old one? How do you try to do that, and have you been successful?

Until I figure this out, I'll keep getting up at 7am (I hope!) and writing a post every day (again, I hope!).

See you tomorrow!

7 Essential Elements of Successful Friendships

There's no doubt that friendships are the foundation on which we build our lives. The health of our relationships is a good indicator of the overall quality of our lives. Good friends are there to lift us up in troubling times and to celebrate our successes. They give and take in equal measure. They provide a sounding board and a reflection of ourselves. In fact, our friendships are so influential in our lives that motivational speaker Jim Rohn has said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

That's pretty powerful stuff.

If we approach our friendships with this idea in mind, doesn't it stand to reason that we should be more aware when we choose which relationships to cultivate? Should we not then demand the best from our confidantes, and offer our best in return? This is not to say that if you want to be rich that you immediately go out and befriend the five richest people you can meet. This is about the quality of someone's character, their views on their place in the world, and the attitude with which they approach life.

I've been awfully lucky to have such tremendous friends in my life. Some of it is by pure luck - I stumbled upon some really wonderful people and became friends effortlessly. Others friendships took more time to develop, and were approached with intention and care.

As we get older, time becomes more valuable. We must become more choosy when it comes to deciding with whom to spend this precious commodity. These are the tenets I live by these days when beginning new friendships or nurturing old ones.

1.  A good friend challenges you to become a better version of yourself.

Friendships grow and change over time, as do people. A good friend lets you see yourself through their eyes, in a way that challenges you to make better choices, invest in yourself, and grow. This can take the form of being a cheerleader for you or staging an intervention if necessary. But no matter what form that challenge takes, it is done in a loving manner with your best interests in mind.

2.  A good friend gives you their best self.

Going along with the first tenet, a good friend is willing to give you the best version of themselves. This isn't to say that there aren't tough times when they need support and encouragement. But it's done without excess drama or emotional neediness. A good friend can be vulnerable without sucking all your energy away. They aren't a vortex or a black hole for your goodwill. They understand the gift you give with your friendship, and acknowledge it. They don't try to drag you down with them.

3.  A good friend looks for opportunities to lift you up.

Life is always throwing us curveballs, but good friends are those that look for ways to buoy your spirit, and opportunities to improve your life. This could be something as simple as sending a thoughtful note or as big as recommending you for a great new job. A good friend is on your team and sees your happiness and success as part of a team effort.

4.  A good friend understands to the need to mutually nurture the friendship.

Life is rarely equal. When one friend is experiencing great success, the other may not. But there is an equal give and take between them. Good friends spend just as much time nurturing the friendship as you do. They initiate plans to meet up. They provide an ear when you need to talk. And because they are there when you need them most, they inspire you to do the same for them. Good friendships are two-way streets, with both parties valuing what the other has to offer.

5.  Good friendships have mutually determined boundaries.

It's rare that I would choose to spend too much time with someone who is constantly crossing the line, such as calling in the middle of the night, making unrealistic demands on my time, or asking me to engage in risky behavior of some kind. Good friends know what the parameters of the relationship are, which often grow organically out of mutual respect. They know when to step in when needed, or to take a backseat when you need space. And if they don't know, they aren't afraid to ask.

6.  A good friend keeps an open mind.

Some of my best friendships are with people who have different world views from my own. An essential ingredient to any successful friendship is a willingness to have an open mind and to consider a different point of view. You don't have to agree, but a good friend respects your opinions and finds ways to achieve understanding without sacrificing their own.

7.  A good friend celebrates your success.

Nothing kills a friendship like jealousy, and no two people are going to succeed at the same time or at the same rate. A good friend will nonetheless celebrate your successes with you and not undermine your achievements.

It goes without saying, I hope, that these tenets apply not only to the friends you choose, but also to the friend you choose to be. Cultivating meaningful relationships takes equal effort, and being a good friend can attract good friends in return.

What do you look for in a friend, and how are you a good friend to others? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

The Skinny on Being a Fat Girl

I was a fat girl. I was the kid who never met a cookie, cake, pizza, sugary breakfast cereal, donut or ice cream she didn't like. I didn't really have a shut-off switch, and never learned to practice self control. I drank Kool-Aid with extra sugar with my dinner every night. McDonald's Happy Meals were a staple in my house. I would sneak three Oreos from the cookie jar, eat them, and THEN ask my mom if I could have some Oreos and I would eat three more. I shopped in the "Pretty Plus" section at Sears.

My brother, three years my senior and a normal, healthy weight, found my growing weight problem the perfect tool to use against me. When I irritated him, which was almost daily, he would call me the Blue Whale. Eventually, he and his friends morphed that into Blue Shamu because it had a nice ring to it. Kids in the neighborhood heard him call me that and soon everyone was calling me that. I remember getting off the bus one day after school, and several kids stuck their heads out of the bus windows as I was walking away and shouted "Blue Shamu, Blue Shamu!" at me. It was devastating as an eight year old.  I still think of it from time to time if I'm wearing blue.

I took tap and jazz lessons as a kid, for several years. As I started to gain weight, I started to feel more uncomfortable in my leotard and tights. My mom took notice and suggested it was time I go on a diet. I was bigger than all the other girls in the class. I feigned stomachaches before class so I wouldn't have to go. Eventually, my mom said she wasn't paying for classes I wasn't attending, so that was it for tap and jazz at Miss Shirley's Dance Studio. I was sad but also relieved.

In junior high I tried out for the Tigerettes, our school's dance team. Basically, it was what all the girls who didn't make cheerleader did. You still got to wear the cute cheerleader outfits, but you did a choreographed dance at half time instead of cheering during the game. At my first football game, some boys walked by me and said I was one of the ugliest cheerleaders they had ever seen.  I cried that night, and no doubt soothed myself with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream.

My first year of high school there was this kid, Phil, who was in one of my classes and decided he didn't like me for reasons I can't remember. Anytime I would pass him in the hall he would act like there was an earthquake, because he said I was so fat I made the floor shake when I walked by. That was hard to absorb at 14.

These are the memories that come to mind when I think about being a Fat Girl. No doubt there are many more, and if I took the time to write them all down it would be a Young Adult trilogy series.

At 15 I decided to do something about my weight problem. I was tired of being the subject of scorn and ridicule.  I didn't have the discipline to starve myself, and somehow I managed not to develop a binge/purge problem.  I asked my mom if I could go to Weight Watchers. I was the only kid in the group, which met in the basement of the YMCA.  I bonded with middle-aged ladies who weighed me weekly on a scale set up behind a curtain for privacy.  For the first time, I learned what a healthy diet was. I was only encouraged, never discouraged. It was a safe place, and I was glad I had found it.  These were my people.

I lost 45 pounds and became a Lifetime Member at age 16.

I've gained that weight back, and lost it, and gained it again, and lost it.  It's a pattern in my life.  I still sometimes go to Weight Watchers, and I'm almost 40. My inner Fat Girl is always going to be there. It has become part of my identity, and I suspect it will always be. As an adult, I've learned ways to cope with it.  I've cultivated meaningful friendships with men and women who would never judge me by my weight.  I've learned to treat myself gently, and to love my body no matter what size it is.  But I still feel uncomfortable in my clothes sometimes, and worry that my face is too fat.

I have a 14 year old step daughter, and I see her struggle with many of the same body issues I have. Is that a right of passage for every teenage girl? I am vigilant about not disparaging my body in front of her. I want to teach her to respect her body, to feed it healthy food, and to feel good about it no matter what it looks like. But I have no control over what other people say to her, the media messages she is bombarded with, or what happens to her while she's at school.

All I can do is be good to myself. I try not to equate my self-worth with my pants size. It isn't always easy and I have my good days and my bad days. But really it starts and ends with me. It is essential for my well-being and health that I remain my own best friend. I don't negate compliments I'm paid about my appearance. I smile when I look at myself in the mirror. When people tell me I'm beautiful, I choose to believe them. Because I believe I'm beautiful on the inside, and that shows on the outside, no matter what my physical appearance is that day. I am learning to actively cultivate my inner beauty and share it with the world.

I want to present my true self to the world. And my true self is someone who has alot of issues about food and about weight. I want to show who I am regardless of what I weigh that morning. It's a daily struggle, and it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness, and I have to be my own cheerleader, but it is a battle I think I'm winning.

The Great Bedroom Switcheroo of 1985

I played the bass in Junior High, until I fell down an entire flight of stairs with it at a concert and broke it in half.
That seemed like as good a time to quit as any.

I was so excited when I was in fifth grade because my brother decided to switch bedrooms with me. I don’t know why. I had the tiny, closet-like bedroom and his bedroom was much bigger. His was also farther away from Mom and Dad’s room, which really wasn’t that far because our house was tiny, it was maybe like five feet farther away, but it didn’t share a wall. My closet bedroom was right next to Mom and Dad’s room and didn’t have a closet. But he wanted to switch. I won't question his motives.

Shortly after we did the switch my parents said I could redecorate it. I was SO EXCITED. But we couldn’t tell my grandpa. He would want to help and I guess he wasn’t particularly great at carpentry. One night when he was over for dinner (he came over for dinner a lot, as I recall), I had forgotten I wasn’t supposed to tell him and I was so excited to see the progress that was being made that I blurted out at the table how my room was looking. That opened up a whole can of worms. I remember my mom and dad giving me the stink eye. I remember having to all get up from the dinner table to inspect my Dad’s work. I don’t remember if Grandpa ended up helping or not.

I decided to go full-out princess with my “new room”. My favorite color at the time was baby blue, so I chose baby blue carpet and white paneling for the walls (my family was really big into the paneling, it was in every room except the bathroom). My dad installed a drop ceiling – you know, the kind you find in office buildings with fluorescent lights overhead. We went to Sears to pick out new furniture, and I picked out the set that every girl in the 1980s had, it’s white with gold trim and looks vaguely French Country/Midwest Chic. You can now find it at garage sales across America. What was most exciting was my canopy bed. For some reason, having a canopy bed made me feel like I was rich.

As I got older and started to outgrow the princess look, I started filling the walls with posters. I know for sure I had a Martin Luther King, Jr, poster in my room, I think perhaps it had a quote from his “I Have a Dream” speech on it. Where I got it is anybody’s guess since I grew up in one of the whitest cities in US. I likely put up the posters from all my high school plays. I can be fairly certain I also adorned the walls with tear-out pictures from magazines like Metal Edge. I was in love with Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, so no doubt he was somewhere up there among the mélange, rubbing elbows with Jesus from Godspell.

Although the furniture has disappeared from the room (most likely donated to someone in my family or a family friend), the room still has the baby blue carpet, the white paneling, and the fluorescent, drop-ceiling lighting which I have come to loathe, and which has made me really sensitive to lighting ever since. The carpet even still has the big stain/bleach mark where I had accidentally projectile-vomitted late one night when suffering from the flu, almost immediately after the carpet was installed. That barf went everywhere except in the toilet. All over the floor, the walls, the furniture, sprayed down the hallway as I dashed to the bathroom. Not one drop made it to its desired location.

Now when I go home to visit my parents, I stay in the closet bedroom. My room is now Dad’s office and a place to put things that don’t otherwise have a home. I end up leaving every time with a few new bruises from bumping into furniture that has been squeezed into a shoebox-sized space. There’s just enough room to put my suitcase on the floor, but not enough room to step around it. You have to step over it. You’d think in such a small space the furniture would have nice, rounded corners, conducive to accidental human contact. It doesn’t. It’s all sharp corners and unyielding surfaces. It’s a full-time lesson in grace and agility.

I have daydreams about redecorating my old room for my parents. I could take them to Sears and they could pick out new furniture. I’d take off the paneling, spackle the walls and paint. I’d rip out the drop ceiling and install less seizure-inducing lighting. I’d turn the closet bedroom into a cozy office for my dad, a place where he’d enjoy browsing CraigsList for used riding lawnmowers (my dad collects lawnmowers like other people collect angel figurines or WWII memorabilia).

But for now the room remains the same, stuck in a perpetual “transitional phase” that is emblematic of my entire life. It’s not quite a bedroom and not quite an office. While it may be on the verge of becoming a permanent “junk room”, I have hopes that one day it will be the room of dreams. I don’t know whose dreams, but I have high hopes.

5 Reasons Being a Morning Person is Awesome

Until I was about 35, I was one of those self-proclaimed "night people". I liked to stay up late. I resisted going to bed until it was absolutely necessary, I wanted to suck every last drop out of the day. Perhaps I was a night person out of necessity. As an actor, any acting work I did was typically at night. In college and grad school, rehearsals were at night, sometimes late into the night. Homework was completed after rehearsal, which often meant staying up until 1am, 2am. Post grad school, while living in NYC, I did a stint as a waitress and bartender in a restaurant for four years. Those were really late nights, getting home at 3am. I was in a theatre company, and our rehearsals were at night. I wouldn't get home until after midnight. If I wanted to get any personal work done, it was generally in those dark hours of the night and early morning. I was too wiped out the next day to even think about getting out of bed until 10am, at the earliest, unless I absolutely had to.

Since moving to Los Angeles, I have become a morning person. This shocks me, even today. Part of this is due to LA being a morning town. People do things in the morning here. They meet for breakfast. They exercise, or go hiking. They get up and walk the dogs. They catch up on the news. I suppose since we are behind the rest of the country in time zones, LA is a morning town out of necessity.

What shocks me most, is that I now love being a morning person. I always hated morning people! They were so annoying. How would anyone want to get up earlier than they had to? But morning people know a few secrets that night people don't, and they make being a morning person totally awesome.

1.  The world is so quiet at 7am.

In a world that is as busy as ours, it can be hard to find quiet time. Getting up before the world gets going lets you ease into the day. There isn't as much traffic noise. You don't hear people shouting. Fewer planes and helicopters are flying overhead. You can actually hear yourself think. You can nestle in with a warm cup of coffee, read the news or get some personal work done.

2.  My brain is fresh in the early morning.

I don't know how I ever got any real thinking or creating done in the middle of the night after a long day. I wake up now and my mind is brimming with possibility. I feel recharged and ready to tackle a project. And because it's so quiet I don't have distractions competing for my attention. I can actually focus at the task at hand. I find I'm more creative and make connections more easily. I feel productive and start the day knowing that I already got something accomplished.

3.  It's easier to steal time in the morning.

As the day wears on, obligations and responsibilities take focus. If I get up a little earlier, that time is mine to do with as I please. I don't feel guilty for writing a blog post, or doing a little free association. I can wander around Pinterest without anyone looking over my shoulder and judging me. Nobody is asking me to do the laundry, and I don't have to check my email for another hour. I don't have to be anywhere and I can just sit here and be greedy with this extra time.

4.  You can stay in your pajamas a little longer.

I work from home, but that doesn't mean I'm in my pajamas all day. I do like to shower and get dressed and feel like a part of the working world. But when I work on my own projects in the morning, I can stay in my pajamas. I roll out of bed, brew some java, and sit down all comfy and cozy in my sweatpants and "The Dude Abides" t-shirt. I feel like I'm in my own skin. Nothing is binding or digging or making me physically uncomfortable. It feels luxurious.

5.  Nature is awesome at 7am.

We're experiencing a serious drought here in Los Angeles, and the weather is pretty brutal these days. But if you get up early enough, chances are the marine layer hasn't yet burned off and you are treated to an overcast sky. I find that so comforting, and so conducive to introspection. The air is cooler, the sprinklers just went off so the garden is glistening, and if I'm quiet I can hear a distant neighbor's rooster welcoming in the day. Morning is my favorite time to experience nature.

I never found time to blog until I started doing it in the morning. Now it's becoming an integral part of my day. I feel more at ease knowing that I am accomplishing my personal work before the responsibilities of my jobs creep in. And now that we're at the end of this post, that means it's time to get to the day. Go happy, dear friends!

51 Artist Date Ideas

I'm working through Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way", and one of the weekly exercises is to take yourself on an Artist Date. The only parameters are that you must do it alone, spend about two hours, and do it every week. I've gotten a little anxious trying to think of things to do that I would enjoy, so I decided to sit down and brainstorm a list. I'd love to hear in the comments below what kind of artist dates you'd like to go on, or have taken yourself on. I can always use more ideas!

51 Artist Date Ideas

1. Treat yourself to one of those “Paint and Drink Wine” workshops, like those at PaintNite.com. Two hours, a couple glasses of wine, and a finished painting to take home with you!
2. Browse through a thrift store or antique shop and buy one thing that really inspires or excites you.
3. Browse through an art supply store and treat yourself to a new brush, some paint, some fun paper, a new pen, or whatever else you fancy.
4. Walk through a street fair. Stop and check out the items for sale, sample a new type of food, and people watch.
5. Take a tour of a local botanical garden. Photograph or sketch the plants and flowers.
6. Take a stroll along the beach at sunset, and pick up interesting rocks or shells.
7.  Check out a local museum and spend time in one exhibit, reading about everything on display and completely immersing yourself in the experience.
8. Go to the movies and see a film you might not otherwise see.
9. Go bowling or play a round of mini-golf.
10. Treat yourself to a massage or a mani/pedi.
11. Go to the fair and win yourself a stuffed animal. Take a ride on the Ferris wheel and see the world from a different perspective.
12. Spend an afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese, eating pizza and playing skee ball or video games.
13.  Lie in a hammock and simply admire the trees and sky above you. Look for birds and listen to their calls.
14. Go to the library and choose a few CDs of music you’ve never listened to.
15. Treat yourself to ice cream at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor. Try a new flavor.
16. Sit in the park and people watch.
17. Go for a walk in nature, and listen to the sounds around you.
18. Go for a long drive to a place you’ve never been.
19. Rent a bicycle and take a ride along a bike path.
20. Go to a high-end department store and try on fancy evening wear. Imagine the parties or events you could wear them to.
21. Check out a metaphysical store, and choose a healing crystal that addresses some of the areas of your life you want to work on.
22. Get a palm reading or have your tarot cards read.
23. Go to a used bookstore and linger, browsing through the various titles. Choose one to buy and take home with you.
24. Go to the farmer’s market. Pick out a fruit or vegetable you’ve never tried and take it home and make something with it.
25. Go to an international market and browse all the different types of food for sale. Choose something you’ve never tasted and try it, or take pictures of all the neat things you find.
26. Attend a public lecture at a college or university.
27.  Take an art workshop from you local community college or library.
28. Attend a free movie night in the park.
29. Find a recipe you’ve never tried and make it for dinner.
30. See a play. It can be a Broadway play or one put on by your local high school.
31. Attend a live music event. Search the Internet for local music concerts that are free to the public.
32. Take a tour of a historic home.
33. Explore your town’s Chinatown or another ethnic neighborhood.
34. Create a vision board.
35. Browse your local nursery for herbs and make your own kitchen herb garden in a pretty pot.
36. Browse seed catalogs and plan a vegetable garden for next summer.
37. Attend a religious service or join a meditation group.
38. Take a ride in a pedi-cab.
39.  Go to a lake and rent a paddle boat for an hour.
40. Create a board on Pinterest with ideas for your dream studio space.
41. Go shopping at yard sales and look for unusual items.
42. Go to a comedy club and watch some stand-up or improv.
43. Go to the park and fly a kite.
44. Sit in a coffee shop, enjoy your favorite drink and read the Sunday paper or people watch.
45. Write hand written letters on pretty paper to loved ones, or send postcards even though you aren’t on vacation.
46.  Sit in the lobby of a big hotel and people watch or daydream.
47. Go to the zoo and find your favorite animals.
48. Volunteer to read for the blind or help out at a soup kitchen or other charity.
49. Go to a fancy department or lingerie store and buy a really great pair of underwear.
50. Visit a meditation garden and simply sit quietly with your thoughts.
51. Explore a neighborhood you really like, find the houses for sale, and imagine what it would be like to live in them. Pop into an open house if possible!

When People's Outsides Don't Match Their Insides

I can't believe I haven't learned this lesson already. You see, I still get confused when what people say and do don't match how they look. I know, I know - don't judge a book by it's cover and all, but I find it particularly confusing when someone cultivates their look. You know - you wouldn't wear a shirt that says "Marriage is only for straight people" if you are pro- gay marriage, right? Right?

Yesterday I got a haircut. I've been really wanting to chop it off, and I figured I shouldn't trust that to the bozos down at Floyd's Barbershop who normally cut my hair. While it looks rock and roll, they really are just a step above SuperCuts (no offense, SuperCuts, but I think you know where you stand in the hair salon line-up). I decided I would go to my friend's stylist, pony up a little extra cash to go to a real artist. My friend has rockstar hair and it always looks good, so the stylist had that in his favor.

I knew what to expect before I met him, I went to his website, saw his photo, saw the types of cuts and styles he normally does. He's a rock and roll guy, does styling for models and photo shoots and whatnot. His studio is a work/live loft space, it looks like an art gallery. Everything is all white, there are mannequins wearing weird art pieces/clothes, there's lots of rock and roll type art on the walls (think Jim Morrison collages, that kind of thing). He himself had the look to go with it.

We got to chatting so he could get to know me a little more before he gave me a new style. I told him that my husband was apprehensive about me cutting off my hair, he prefers it long, but that he was cool with me getting a new style. If he didn't like it we could have sex with the lights off. The stylist asked me what my husband does, and the conversation goes something like this:


Me: My husband is forming a charity organization to help build earthquake safe housing in developing countries.

Him: I don't understand why those people just don't move somewhere that doesn't have earthquakes. And what do they really have to worry about? They don't have anything anyway! What does it matter if their house falls down? They should just get a tent and move it someplace that doesn't have earthquakes. (laughs)

Me: (silence)

Him: And I don't understand why people have to go outside our country to help. Why can't we just help the people that are here? You know, the homeless guy under the overpass? Go down to South Central and help those people. I don't think we should be helping people outside the US.

Me: (silence)


It went on like this for a few more minutes. He was really impassioned about it, and I did not know how to respond.  He did just hear me say that my husband was devoting his life to helping poor people outside the US, right? I decided, after a prolonged silence to change the subject, since he was the one holding the scissors. But that really stuck with me. I guess, due to his very artsy appearance, I thought that he would be more open-minded. But he had a really narrow worldview, from what I could tell.

For the record, my hair looks almost exactly the same today as it did before I went in. I think perhaps this is not the guy for me. Maybe next time I should go to some really frumpy looking old woman. And she'll be like super-open-minded and give me a really cool rock and roll haircut. I don't know.

I just get so confused when people's outsides don't match their insides....

Money Changes Everything

This is where I am today, and it's kind of embarrassing to admit.

I'm just going to come out and say it. I have alot of issues about money. I grew up in a working class family, and although our needs were certainly always fulfilled I was hyper-aware of money and how much we did or didn't have compared to everyone else.

I don't think that's changed much in my adult life. I'm still working class and I am still hyper-aware of how much I do or don't have compared to my friends and colleagues. I realize I find myself in this uncomfortable place because of choices I have made, the largest and riskiest one being the choice to pursue a life in the arts. A life that is inherently unstable and for which you often don't get paid. The kind of life where you have to have a "survival job" in order to make ends meet. I think in my mind I've equated being an artist with being perpetually poor. I worry, often to excess, about whether or not I need to change gears, to give up a life in the arts for something more stable. I'm smart and I'm a hard worker. I know I could get a job that pays me well. I just don't want any of those jobs. I've had them, and I hate them. And I know this is a first world problem. There are billions of people in the world who work long, hard days and barely makes ends meet. They are barely surviving. This knowledge makes me feel incredibly guilty about my choices, which just feeds the worry and anxiety.

I've also come to learn in my adult life that what I think about, I create. If I focus on not having enough, then I will never have enough. If, instead, I focus on abundance and visualize money flowing to me, then there is a much greater likelihood that will happen. Putting that idea into practice is incredibly hard.

This is where I am in my artist life. I feel compelled to continue to walk this path, this is the path my intuition tells me to follow, and I've learned to trust my intuition. I feel I have been called to this life. But, damn, you guys, it's fucking hard.

This is where I am today.

Bad News Blues

This morning I read a post by Elizabeth Gilbert on Facebook (I really like her and the manner in which she lives her life). It struck a chord in me, and I suspect it does in many others as well. A reader posed a question about how she (Liz) copes with all the horrible news in the world. How does anyone with a conscience, anyone who cares about what happens in the world not succumb to the terrible weight of the daily horror? You can read Liz's answer on her Facebook page.

I guess like all things in life it requires balance. Yes, as a person who gives a damn about justice and fairness and standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves, it's hard to look away from the news. I want to know what is going on out there, I don't want to be "happy" simply because I'm burying my head in the sand.

But my soul is gentle and my heart is vulnerable - and I want them to stay that way. I don't want to become hardened by the world. I want to remain open, and I want to experience the beauty and the joy that the world also provides in equal measure to the evil. So it's a question of balance. Of knowing yourself well enough to know how much you can take in before it starts to have a negative effect on your well-being. I don't watch horror movies or really depressing dramas or read books that are incredibly sad because my soul just can't take it. I know that about myself.

Liz gives great advice - set a limit for yourself. Be choosy about your news sources and how much time you give them in the day. Then set them down, turn back to your own world and be reminded that there is joy and beauty. We create our own realities by what we choose to focus on. So while it's important to know about those terrible things, by focusing solely on them we give them power. They become our reality.

So focus on some of the good stuff, too. Our world is a beautiful, awe-inspiring place of abundance. Let's remember to spend some time reveling in that, so that we have the resources we need to be a force of good in the world.

Go Happy-
Amy

The Journey Begins with the First Step

Ojai at Sunset from Meditation Mount

Greetings, friends. I've been on a vacation as of late. A bit of a creative vacation, I guess you could say. You see, I'm at a creative crossroads. I'm turning 40 in 10 months and though I largely consider myself to be "successful", I haven't quite found my place in the larger, creative world. And I'd really like to.

I've embarked on the 12 week journey known as "The Artist's Way" in an effort to reclaim and recover my creative self. I'm one week in, and so far it's been enlightening, to say the least. While I've spent most of my adult life pursuing work as an actor, I feel I am much more than that. And I feel my "success" will be somewhere else. This is my attempt to find it.

So, friends, I hope you'll consider walking along with me on this journey of self-healing and self-discovery. I'd like to share my triumphs, epiphanies, failures and ruminations with you. Perhaps some of them will resonate with you.  Perhaps we'll all come out of this a little better - more fulfilled, more introspective, happier and more at peace.

Here's to those first few steps!

Go Happy-
Amy

Puttin' the Fat Back in Tuesday

I am a walking Hallmark card.  It's true.  I totally embrace their slogan "Life is a Special Occasion".  I'm all for busting out the good china on a Tuesday, or burning those dreamy-smelling candles bought in Paris. Tonight it was all about celebrating a holiday to which I really have no attachment.  Mardi Gras - Fat Tuesday.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about the holiday in general.  It's so much about total debauchery.  While I like debauchery in general, TOTAL debauchery is really another story.  I did spend a few days in New Orleans right after Mardi Gras in 2004.  I was on a children's theatre tour, and myself, two others also named Amy, and the sole guy Greg toured the French Quarter one fine Friday night, flashing our boobs, collecting beads, crashing a bachelor party, getting lap dances, and.... oh, hell, well just use your imagination. The following couple of years I worked as a bartender in a Cajun restaurant, and Fat Tuesday was our biggest day of the year.  All hands were on deck, many drinks were consumed (staff included), and I didn't finally get home until daylight.  Sounds fun in theory, but in practice...I've always been just slightly put off by what is revealed in the harsh light of morning.  Enough to keep me from participating in total debauchery more times than not.

Ah, yes, the "good 'ol days" of total debauchery

Hubs gets in on the fun

Well, anyway, fast forward to 2014 and I felt the itch to have a taste of the Big Easy tonight.  My form of debauchery these days is having a few hurricanes on a weeknight and eating a meal that contains an entire stick of butter.  I prefer to take all that debauchery and spread  it out on a daily basis.  Indulge in some fun a little bit every day, instead of all at once a couple of times a month.  So, tonight seemed like the perfect night to tap into my inner bartender, craft a few cocktails for me and the hubs, don masks bought across the street at the dollar store, eat some shrimp, and then, well...go to bed.  Ha!  Yeah, staying up on Tuesday until dawn is not really appealing in any way anymore.  And the hurricanes we made at the bar were just rum and fruit punch.  Tonight I stepped it up a little:

Hurricane recipe:

2 oz light rum
2 oz dark rum
2 oz passion fruit juice
1 oz orange juice
½ oz fresh lime juice
1 Tablespoon simple syrup
1 Tablespoon grenadine
Garnish: orange slice and cherry

Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and strain into a Hurricane glass filled with ice. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice.

Martha Stewart is my adult muse, so I used one of her recipes to make what was my favorite meal at Oddfellows Rest, the bar where I used to work in Jersey City.  BBQ shrimp.  I can't tell you how many times I ate BBQ shrimp over the course of the years I worked there, but I'm sure it added to that chubby chin you see above.  Here is her Mr. Jim's Louisiana Barbecue Shrimp.

Ingredients:

4 ounces (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
3 garlic cloves, minced (1 tablespoon)
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice (from 2 lemons), rinds reserved and sliced
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
11/2 teaspoons hot sauce, such as Tabasco
1 pound (about 30) medium to large shrimp, peeled, heads (optional) and tails on
1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
Freshly ground pepper
Baguette, for serving

STEP 1
Heat a 12-inch skillet (preferably cast-iron) over medium-high heat. Add butter, and cook until melted and foamy. Add garlic, rosemary, and lemon juice and rinds. Stir in Worcestershire and hot sauces, and bring to a simmer.

STEP 2
Season shrimp with salt and pepper; add to skillet. Cook until pink and firm to the touch, 3 to 4 minutes. Season with pepper. Serve with baguette.

This dish and the accompanying hurricanes certainly put the Fat back in my Tuesday.  Now we're gonna watch "Orange is the New Black" and go to bed.  That's how we roll these days.

Go Happy!

Amy